remember me~~~*

contemplation

2010-12-07T05:53:00.000-08:00

the transition had occured so subtly she only realised afterward.

Initially it had been seventy-thirty. thirty on her side. then sixty-fourty and - briefly - to fifty-fifty. All too quickly, the tables had turned and they had flipped sides. It slided to fourty-sixty. Now, finally, she could no longer place a number to the vague haziness: the remains of what had been a treasured relationship. A trust and a bond. An envied sister, a surrogate mother and then, shamefully, a lover. She had tiptoed around the special bond they held, tentative, frightful yet exhilarated. Too soon, the star that had shined so brightly exploded, throwing stardust into the air, a lesser incarnation barely keeping its dull shine.

ashes to ashes, dust to dust.

Slowly, she traced lines on the metal ashtray that she had always hated, running through the dust absentmindedly. Smoking was one vice she had learnt to tolerate but it seemed her tolerance had begun to run dry. Dust had accumulated atop the abandoned ashtray and she realised how laughable her actions were: creating marks by removing. falsifying presence by removing absence.

She looked down at the ashtray and was startled for a moment. She had not been drawing random lines afterall. The deep recesses of her mind had guided her slender index finger to trace out four alphabets, carefuly and deliberately. She stared at the name, unfamiliar yet she felt a certain longing from within her heart. It was the name of the boy she had just met. each letter distinct and separate from the other, formed out of nothingness...

first wk of schhh =)

2010-01-18T06:00:00.000-08:00

I never appreciated hc so much till I left. this sounds so cliche. But the truth is, i had never thought i would grow attached to hc; i had only treated hc as 'School', never as 'Home'. 'Home' was always Ny. It was more intimate, it was 亲切。My joy in being back teaching in hc, surrounded by familiarity, proved that those two years were formative after all.

My first day (which i was not paid for) was combined staff meeting. I dressed overly formal because apparently teachers dressed casual for meetings during the holidays. Hc floor is also atrociously unsuited for any form of sharp heels. Despite treading around very carefully, i still almost tripped =( But! i met so many of my college teachers. hallelujah WARMTH. lols. Teachers are such great hypocrites. They behave exactly like students when listening to 6 hr staff meetings, restless and cracking jokes all the time. =) Anyone who thinks teachers are boring should sit into teacher meetings and realise the fun side. After the whole thing, i was drained. And unpaid...

The first official day was also our principal's farewell. so basically i had no lessons. i just had good food, chances to take photographs with the principal and shake his hand etc etc lol. that was monday. Tuesday I took a combined class w ms low for sec 2 with their frighteningly high tech 3D studio max that I have yet to learn. Wedn was staff meeting in which some guy stood up to challenge the new principal till he told him to shut up and sit down or risk being expelled. Thu was my very first independent class with my sec 3s. =) Did small sova exercise in gallery as well as crushed paper exercise. fun fun fun! =) i was the last to lockup since we ended at 6.40. fri was my v screwed up class with sec 2 general art...

raye's account

2009-10-24T20:47:00.000-07:00

.
.
.
There was something about the girl he had met for just barely two weeks. Raye could not understand why his thoughts frequently linked back to the lean face framed in that dark brown hair that curled at the ends. The closest he could get to a conclusion was that there was a mysterious air suspended around her. She always appeared pensive with her eyes misted but whatever her thoughts were remained unknown. There was one occasion when he caught her laughing, but even then there was a hint of melancholy in her laughter. The woman who had made her laugh had unnaturally flaming red hair, and was unabashedly stunning, although looking several years her senior.
.
.
"Hi, Im Raye. major's still undecided."
"Hello", she edges of her lips lifted tentatively, "You can call me Elsie."
"Is that your full first name?"
She had raised her head and met his gaze for the first time. Raye could almost see the thoughts swimming within her irises, whispy threads that weaved in and out of an intangible surface. There was such pureness in her eyes that it spelt easy danger.

"Sure. Isn't yours?"
"Wh- Yeah. Of course. It seems we both have rather short first names." He had given a light laugh.

That was the first time he lied.

shock was the best form of anaesthesia

2009-09-21T19:32:00.000-07:00

The day that Bri left would always remain fresh in Elsie's mind. She did not feel hurt. Shock was the best form of anaesthesia. It was the aftermath that hit her hard.

Stop treating me like a goddess. I'm not. Dont believe in me. Dont trust me. I'm not who you think I am.

Just because Santa doesn't exist does not stop kids from believing in him.

Well, you're no longer a kid and im not part of your fantasy.

You know what? Yes, Im no longer a kid. An adult will respond in a logical, rational manner. Just leave, Bri. Leave my life alone.

And just like that she watched her soul detach from her body.

peter pan

2009-08-21T06:18:00.000-07:00

What are your feelings?
happiness. sadness. jealousy?

Tinkerbell

Anger?

Hook.

Love? what about love?

Never heard of it.

*
*
*

Let's take a peek at the future.
She's at the nursery, by the window.
The window is closed.

I'll open it!

She cant see you. Cant hear you.
She's forgotten all about you.
And in your place there's someone else....
... a husband.

No!!

*
*
*

no matter what happens, this will be yours, always.

2009-06-30T23:29:00.000-07:00

Raye, at the speed that we're going,
we're going to cause a major traffic holdup.
(and the first car, second car, third car honks)
Raye? dont talk to me. im trying to concentrate
ok fine. elsie? elsie! are you falling asleep?
wake up you've got to help me keep a lookout for cars
from the back. (It's always from the back)
(Those things that come when you least expect)
(and stab you)
(hard) Dont you have a rearview
mirror for that?
(-ly noticeable. the Pain.)
How can i look in front and behind at the same time?
(indeed, how can you.)
Just so you know, going slower doesn't help either.

coffee or tea?

2009-06-12T22:37:00.000-07:00

Bri still had that air around her, Elsie noted. Elsie muttered something barely audible about neatening herself up and left the living room. She grabbed a change of clothes and went into the bathroom, glancing into the mirror to survey her own unpresentable image. The bathroom door was still open and the mirror reflected the living room, where Bri was still in view.

She had dyed her short, cropped hair to a slightly milder shade of red than it was before. It always used to be a shock to others, like she was balancing a ball of flame atop her head. To Elsie, the colour, although piercing, had a magnetic quality to it. Elsie loved to stare intently at Bri's hair whenever she moved around their kitchen, one of her very few unconquered territories. Bri would be moving around, forgetting where she had left the spatula, or nearly hitting her head against the cupboard door that she she had forgotten to close after taking out the plates, while always cursing vehemently. "I swear I was insane when we agreed I'd do breakfast on weekends!", Bri would say and Elsie would laugh, telling her it was too late for regrets. She often wondered if the flame would spread down all over her body, swallowing her up whole, knowing Bri would only burn to emerge more fiercely brilliant than before.

And here she was moving around again, bending down to shift stacks of rough papers and drawings aside and off the couch so she could sit down. As she sat, she took off her heels and rubbed her soles, placing her feet on the cold floor and ran her hand through her hair, a gesture so familiar it almost ached to watch.

Elsie turned and closed the door and ran the tap, splashing water over her face. Wake up Elsie, you're in the present, now, and nothing else matters.

"Cissy?"

Elsie did not answer. She reached for the toothpaste.

"Do you want coffee? I'm going to make some coffee."

Oh sure you're going to make some coffee. Elsie waited. One, two, thr-

"Cissy? Hey, where's the coffee powder?"

Elsie emerged from the bathroom. "There's no more coffee powder."

"You've finished it again? You really shouldn't drink so m-"

"Which is why I don't drink coffee anymore, Bri, and which in turn explains the lack of coffee powder." Elsie cut in and then glanced at the cupboard door half-opened. "In any case, it was never where you thought it was. It was in the other cupboard, the one on the upper right of the stove. And I drink tea now."

"Oh right." Bri paused for a moment. "But you love coffee, Cissy, I'd never believe you mananged to curb the addiction..."

"Well, in fact, I did. See, after you left, a lot of things changed, if you haven't noticed. I no longer mess up the living room with my drawings- well not that much," as Bri raised her eyebrows and Elsie hurried on: "I now do messy work at the balcony area only."

Bri fell silent, although she appeared on the verge of saying something.

"Also," Elsie added, "I prefer to be called Elsie."

dream a little dream of tea

2009-06-04T20:13:00.000-07:00

It was such a horrid day but Elsie's spirits were rather high. She had a floaty feeling as she treaded around large puddles of water, making her way through the rain, keeping her head dry by raising her plastic art-folio above her head. The campus had not seemed that large from the outside and the familiarity she had of the school's facade failed to prepare her for the strange unknowns within its grounds. Which way was the sign pointing earlier on? She looked around and then paused. Right, her instincts told her. Right is always right. You'll just get left behind by taking the path on the left. Elsie laughed to herself. She was thinking silly again.

Five minutes into walking along that path, she began to doubt her decision. It could not have been so far away, she had passed so many buildings already. Strange. Looking back, the structures seemed to have shifted and morphed into larger and taller ones. There was also this odd resemblance of one to a miniature version of the empire state building, how could she not have noticed it the first time? A sense of displacement was starting to settle in.

A student was walking towards her with a puzzled expression. Sure, Elsie was a sight to behold. She was still in her school uniform. College students were all in their own clothes. Elsie straightened herself and approached the student.

"Sorry, excuse me, do you know where the auditorium is?" She blushed and tried again, "I mean, the college auditorium of course."

The student motioned for her to continue straight on. Ah, so I was correct after all. She turned to thank the student and was greeted with another surprise. She was pretty sure it was a female student she had asked! But now she's turned into a he! This is ridiculous, what was getting into her?

Suddenly, the ground shifted beneath her and she seemed to be sinking inwards. Her vision blurred and the surroundings became warped, not unlike the application of the filter she liked to use in photoshop. Then the scene changed. Either Elsie had suddenly shrunk by ten times or the scene had enlarged by ten times. She was in a different place, of a different time zone too maybe. Everything was so surreal.

A huge tea cup was in front of her, and the tea was flowing out, a clear brown solution was welling around her. She expected it to scald her but it was pleasantly warm. She almost felt like laughing again. So, was this how a herbal bathe would feel? The water or rather tea level was at her neck now, she bent her knees and allowed her whole body to be submerged, her eyes squeezed tight. Then she opened them in the water while pulling strands of hair away from her face. Hey, there was a knob at the base of the cup! Was that to stop the flow? She dived and turned it tight. Had the tea level stopped rising?

Indeed it seemed to be so, in fact, it seemed to be receding, flowing backwards into the cup. Elsie stood as she watched the area dry up around her. After awhile, however, she realised she was still wet and so was the spot beneath her, even though the other areas were now dry. It was then that she realised, brown solution was oozing out of her skin.

Elsie panicked. What was happening? She opened her mouth to scream for help but no sound came out. Where was she? What was going on? The sound was tea flowing was getting stronger even though nothing was flowing out of the cup. In addition, there was this rhythem. This irritating sound, somewhat like hammering, growing louder.

Elsie? Elsie? ELSIE? Who is that calling my name? It was echoing all around. This is bad, really bad. You've got to snap out of this Elsie!

With a start, she awoke and found herself to have sat up suddenly, in her bed. Sweat matted her hair together. She let out a sigh of relief. Just a dream, girl. Just a little dream of tea.

But wait, what's this? The hammering sounds were still on and her name was still being called. It was then that she realised she awoke due to the knocking on her door.

She climbed down her bed and made her way through the clutter to pull open the door. Was this still part of her dream? The person she had been looking for in her dream had come to look for her instead. Suddenly, Elsie was conscious of her unkempt hair, stained nightgown and cluttered room. Damn, she should have cleaned up before opening the...

"Aren't you going to ask me to come in?" Her guest's voice punctured her thoughts. And in the most presumptuous manner, her guest stepped in as Elsie moved away to let Bri in...

the first 4 days of wk 1 of megamuggingmonth (MMM)

2009-06-04T06:37:00.000-07:00

i really dont like to do day to day accounting it seems so puerile, but i guess it allows one to take stock of life in e most clear cut and direct way.

mon:
i went to sch. did a puny bit of math. played chess. jeremy i swear i was winning... ate an overpriced and not nice lunch at prince. came back to sch. played another game of chess in art rm w zhiyong for like over an hr till i lost with a shuang pao jiang. conceded to temptation and watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind in jerrold's cubicle w art peeps. e black curtains and speakers r great =) michael condry (sp?) is -to use baihui's phrase- awesomecakes =) cleaned up central plaza and then took photos. home. post dinner hw i think.

overall: slacker shit day. 1/10

tues:
to make up for mon, full mugging day. however. spent 4 hrs or so trying to get various tickets for arts fest w prob like credit card, printing, showtimes bla bla =( but thankfully in e end i managed to get e card frm my mum complete e letter of authorisation, nric and transaction receipt. i want my arts fest limited ed ezlink card dammit. i'll get my hands on it somehow. revelation that drama center is in national lib. tried to do the chem exercises. which also involved installing my adobe acrobat 9 for e first time. made a pretty necklace frm e metal reel thing of the sewing machine.

overall: redemption aim was met but nett zero progress. 5/10

wed:
sch. saved e art incorporated bk into thumbdrive (finally). did e transcription thing. 4 hrs for a 31 min speech. bloody hell. haha. lunch w sch's chicken rice. did jiawen's shoes. rush home for ultimate date with my baihui even though i was still late for 11 min =( haha. crabflowerclub was excellent. worth e 17 dollars plus that few hrs of ticket buying. except i still want my arts fest ez link card =( came back and did kinetics even though i was so exhausted for consult on thu

overall: transcription was grossly overly time-consuming but it was a fun experience and e date was e highlight. =) except academic achievements not much 7/10

thu:
sch. I LEFT MY HP ON THE BUS in e hurry to get down coz i was slping. =( i was nv so anxious in my life. thankfully singapore has kind-hearted ppl afterall. i have it back now... =s and thankfully jiajun came to sch early. did tut then went for consult. mrs tano kept trying to assure me that im not dead yet but im not sure. i'll get back to her when i pass bt2. lunch chicken rice again. played a game w jiajun. i like how he moves and then says, so what m i trying to do? then i can do my hypothetical situation thingy =) really long game. then transcribing. yay this it time it was done in 2 plus hrs. e trick is. dun do e listening compre way but e dictation way. anyway. and skim over bits u dunno first. dun keep pausing e track and dun get distracted by irritants trying to irritate me *glares at jerrold*. did emain's shoes. =) home.

actually went for consult. spent less time on mind-numbing things like transcribing. so overall 7/10 but im currently slacking now typing this out so -0.5.

spore arts fe(a)st

2009-05-18T06:16:00.000-07:00

stressful life lately. im trying not to drop into escapism mode. club and public performance. comp nxt wk. aep coursewk. BLOCKS!! damn it. hahaz. you go, girl.

but still there's so much other stuff i want to do. like watching angels and demons. and going for e exhibit at The Substation. and all the arts fest performances. although like i can't believe it, all e tickets are selling so fast. Final Fantasy Music at e esplanade is freaking all sold out even though they extended e performance for another day =( shd i go for smth else? but im definitely going for e closing ceremony. somehow.

so. let's talk abt the arts fest opening ceremony, Helios II. Took shuttle bus frm Tanjong Pagar. I was surprised at how well-planned the whole event was. Escorts, chartered smrt buses and definitely good publicity: the crowd was rather huge for an arts event. Marina Barrage is now top of my list of favourite places in Singapore. The architecture is amazing. It's one of the only structures in Singapore I can go wow and think hmm there's hope here after all =p. Set against the backdrop of the distant city skyline, the open concept of e structure was enhanced. Furthermore, apart from the sky scrapers, esplanade, spore flyer that you see from far, there is unobstructed view of the sky. At that time for me, it was the evening sky, with shades of glowing orange and pink as the sun set. I love seeing wide stretches of sky. It reminds one of how big the world beyond is, and the relative insignificance of a single self. Another aspect of the architecture that reinforced wonder was the sloped roof that ascends in a spiral manner and is covered with grass. Once I got down the chartered bus, I had to do a double-take: So many kites could be seen being flown on the roof, just from the road below. This is a truly effective combination of functionality and aesthetics. Pearlyn, we should go there and play frisbee next time, no joke.

Enough about the architecture. The pre-performance events like the drumming performance was not bad. The sound system was great, coupled with the natural echoing effect bring about by the architecture. Actually, the feel of it reminded me of the last National Parade at the Kallang Stadium. Similarly, there is a central stage at a lower ground, with viewing from top terraces. Also, the usage of the sky as a stunning backdrop. In this case however, the stage was set up in the middle of a large central fountain, which literally set the stage for the fireworks, which will be excitedly discussed further on. After the rhythemic beating of the drums, that striked an inner cord as well, was finally the main preformance/ street parade.

It was all smoke and red flames. Then after 15 minutes or so of neck-craning with regret seeming in (damn we should have stayed at the first floor), we saw it - a huge green-eyed praying mantis. It was no ordinary float. The lights and smoke and music gave an eerie, insidious feel yet at the same time was very enticing. Performers walked, hopped, jumped and juggled bars on stilts at least 1.5 m tall. They made several mistakes during the performance though, but always there was improvisation on the spot. The crowd, however, was disappointing. My sister and I tried to clap to encourage them but two pairs hands were nothing more than the sound of a pin drop with the large distance between us and the stage. In the end, the performers had to repeatedly prompt the audience to clap and cheer. It was almost embarrassing that that was the image Singapore was presenting to the foreign performers. Other than that, the performance with the acrobatic acts was a visual feast.

The highlight for me, and for the nightsky, was the fireworks. I have no words to describe it except one: spectacular. Sometimes, I worry about global warming and air pollution, but guiltily, the beauty of the fireworks always erases that.

I would have stayed the whole night, lying on the grass at the roof top or walking to the edge to watch the reflections and rippling across the water of the barrage, but ah well, another school day awaits.

Elsie's resignation

2009-04-17T01:28:00.000-07:00

Elsie sat cross-legged at her bed, hating herself for all the hypocrisy she was displaying. It was very dark outside her bedroom window which had been fully thrown open. Cool wind grazed her cheeks as she reviewed recent uneventful events.

Since young, she had found it hard to face up to her mistakes or weaknesses. In high school, she wondered how it was that people could laugh and poke fun about ungraceful examination results. Weren't they ashamed, upset or sore? How could they be so nonchalant over what could make or break their future academic path? Up till her freshman year, there were some who would confess they could never shell a prawn for nuts, never do their own laundry or admit it was the fifth time he was being rejected by the same girl. Elsie was perplexed. Weren't these bits of information normally kept inside to save oneself some pride?

It was really nearing bedtime but the fitness center would be open until midnight. Elsie deliberated and then grabbed her gym bag, rummaging through to check the contents.

When Raye initially got to know her, he commented on her great sense of humour. She did not tell him that mostly it was merely a cover, a facade, preventing others from seeing right through her, to the raw hurt beneath. It was frightening, these conflicting parties within her. She could picture the inner workings of her body. There was an automatic gear of smiles, laughter, boundless agreement and willingness to make concessions. A dial-like object ticking away and keeping stock of the leaky barrel of tears that was itself tearing apart. Life was becoming an insidious mechanic process to supply appropriate feelings on demand with the threat of her mental machineries gradually retarding.

She turned and carefully locked the front door and proceeded down the rickety side staircase, wondering if her footsteps could be heard by the children of the family downstairs, presumably tucked into bed by now. It would be a ten minutes walk to take the plunge.

Her final proposal for her thesis was deemed 'irrelevant to modern society' and 'too obscure a direction of study'. The analysis statements she had made had been striked out in red ink and Elsie had been furious. She was furious not just because her efforts had gone unappreciated but rather because she could find too many parallels of such situations of required conformity in life. There was only one way dictated and deemed correct. Any other routes were considered lesser alternatives. To her coursemates, she had rolled her eyes at the comments, expressing amusement at the absurbness of the issue. To her professor, she had enthusiastically agreed to his views and suggestions, promising a rewrite by the following week. But really, she was crushed and ultimately exhuasted with the pretense that she did not care.

The outdoor pool was deserted as she lowered herself in. Shocked at the cold, she almost tried to get back out before she remembered wet skin would only lead to intense shivering in the night wind. Elsie did laps till she lost count followed by several tries of holding her breath under water, before emerging to stare at the night sky, the specks of stars and listen to the steady noises of crikets. She squinted at a large figure that seemed to be moving towards her. Suddenly, the man switched on his torchlight, shining it directly at her and shouted at her to leave. Elsie groaned as she obediently allowed herself to be chased out of the pool with the centre closing for the day.

Perhaps life was just about resignation.

love, me

2009-04-13T06:17:00.000-07:00

thanx kyna for tagging me haha now is 15 min of time wasting..

Bio Data

1) Which school did you go to?

ny<3

2) What classes were you in?

104,204,307,407 =)

3) What was/were your favourite lesson(s)?

in sec 1 it was never math. then suddenly in sec 2,3, and 4 yes it's my favourite. and non-content based favourite subj would be LA with mr tan =) oops. er i meant non-content as compared to sciences etc...

4) If you could remember, what time was your recess?

haha. er one at 10 plus and another at 12 plus e first one's 30 min and 2nd one is 45 min =)

5) List down your favourite food/snacks.

hmm er. lemon chicken rice every wedn and potato wedges. local delight yum fruit juice after pe lesson. spagetti.. aiya generally everything's nice there in ny

6) Did you have a nickname way back in high school?

what?

7) How did you wear your socks?

ok secret. i never wore the ankle socks even when they were implemented in sec 3 or smth. hahaz i only wore then in late sec 4 and last yr.

8) Were you given plenty of reminders about your appearance?

in what sense? oh yes constantly reminded that i look better w long hair. but then that's like in jc alr. oks.

9) Who did you look up to when you were in high school?

hmmmmm. i dunno, mr khong for writing the IH syllabus?

Punishment

1) Name one memorable scene where you were punished in front of the whole class.

nah. dun have. if u talking abt class.

2) How many times did you skip class?

zero. im a gd girl =)

3) Give one scene where you escaped from being caught/punished.

erm hmm dun have wad. unless u count e fact that my watch was never smaller than a 50cent coin.

4) Did you vandalize any school property?

hahaz.

5) Did you ever make any teacher cry?!!!!!!!

teachers make me cry more like lor.

1) Who was your favourite teacher?

oh er. mr tan? since like he followed me for 4 yrs.

2) Describe your DM."

haha. oh noesss. i suddenly cant rmb her name =s but yes she has a great sense of humour and shes generally v effective.

3) Who was the funniest/weirdest/loudest teacher?

haha. er. still pt with his... erhem erhem extremely special vocabulary bank and habits.

Social Circle

1) Were you popular back then?

of coz otherwise y m i being tagged here to do this quiz. the extent of popularity is another issue.

2) Were you in a big group of boys/girls or small ones?

huh. we're all abt the same size.

3) Who were your good friends?

ah. writing them down would exceed my 15 min. so friends, u know who u are. *winks*

4) Did you and your friends have nicknames?

haha ya. erm but erm kyna, since when was my baihui stripper?!

5) What were you favourite memories of you and your friends?

wah so many. erm. choral nights. sj 'fun' camps. lifeskills camp. outings. movie 'marathon' at kyna's house w 'mugging' swings in the morning. art till evening. going to e pond to search for baby toads. going so early to sch u see the sky turn shades. lining up ever day before the music starts just to piss off the admin, i mean, to show that we can do it.

1) Who was your first crush?

hmm? oh er. hmm.

2) Are you in good terms with your last crush?

3) Did you ever have a relationship with anyone in your high school?

kyna, m i supposed to say yes?

4) Have you ever made out in school

made out what?

Closing Ceremony

1) How did high school change you?

high sch taught me a LOT of things. a lot of skills in managing myself and pushing myself pass my limits, physical, mental, emotional. and gave me a lot of friends and great support from teachers that allowed me to pull thru

2) Sing one verse of your school song.

我们跟时代进行,高唱谐和的歌音，五育平均齐发展,堂堂地做个完人。

3) What was your favourite question?

What?

Evening jam

2009-04-05T02:42:00.000-07:00

Elsie doodled, fiddling with her calligraphy brush and the stark black ink. Flicking her wrist swiftly, she formed a smooth, dynamic curve. But something was missing. Biting the back of the brush stick, Elsie ran her hand through her hair, then frustratingly twisted it up and jabbed another brush through to hold it up. She needed more ink.

Carefully, she removed the the cap and poured a puddle out from the bottle and took a deep breath, closing her eyes. Her swirling thoughts, although still buzzing, settled slightly. I'm getting addicted to this stuff. People get addicted to coffee, to cigarettes, to tea while I'm here addicted to ink. Oh wells. Elsie stared at the puddle, the surface already drying up into a shiny black mirror...

She peered down through the sparse balcony aluminium railings of the 2nd storey apartment where she living. Lines of cars were crawling down the main road like an ant trial. Inspiration was not coming and the clock was ticking. She leaned back into her rattan armchair and lifted her legs up to cross them atop the horizontal balcony railing. Elsie checked her phone, a rare act of succumbing to distractions. No new messages. No missed calls.

She sighed as she continued working. The chinese family downstairs was burning incense and paper money at a greater amount than usual. The scent was stronger, smoke rising up to the balcony was thicker, and hung in the air, clouding her vision slightly. Elsie blinked hard, attempting to clear the blurriness. Suddenly she felt a pair of hands placed gently on her shoulders. Startled, she turned adruptly around, dropping her brush in the process creating a splat of ink on the ground, an additional one of many.

Raye. Immediately, an overwhelming pleasant sensation rose inside her but was quickly covered with petty hurt as she turned her back to him. "You're here", she muttered and crossed her arms across her chest.

"Sorry Elsie... I didn mean to lose contact with you for so long. I begged the family downstairs so long, speaking in my broken cantonese just to humour them into passing me the key to your house."

"And why would you want to trespass into my property?"

"Hmm, I told them I commited a grave mistake and had to apologise and placate you so I strategised to come in and surprise you."

Elsie turned and looked at him skeptically. "Wow, great strategy. I'm greatly impressed. They believed that?"

Raye grinned sheepishly and then said "Well no, not exactly... but it's not like they dont know we're close friends...thus concluding it's safe to pass me the keys... possibly also under the influence of that mystical haze surrounding their house, impeding logical reasoning..."

Elsie could not help but smile at this and turned back again to face the road below, although her stance was no longer defensive. Raye obviously noted that as he moved to stand beside her, gazing at the scene below, typical during peak hour. Neither spoke another word.

Suddenly, the jam eased. The cars below streamed past, glad to be liberated from the dull, crawling phase.

when a heart breaks no it dont break even

2009-03-25T09:30:00.000-07:00

The bells tinkled as the door swung open. Rusty old door that badly needs repairing, really. Raye grumbed as he slipped to the counter and ordered the usual.

It was then that someone caught his eye. Fiercely red hair, decked in black and thick heavy makeup, she was chatting animately with three guys, sorry prey to her charms. It took a moment for Raye to recall the name of the woman...

"Bri." She had made her away across in an instant with an air of grace Elsie would never have accomplished and extended her hand, with nails surprisingly chipped, despite her emaculate dressing.

"Ah yes, hi. Raye."

Raye watched as she acknowledged him with a nod and unceremoniously took the seat next to him, then went back to his drinking.

She was staring at his glass. "Does Elsie know you drink?"

"Well does she know you hook up guys at the rate of four per minute?" Raye snapped back, annoyed at his weakness being pinned down by someone he barely knew.

Bri laughed, low for a woman, almost bitter and the silence resumed until she looked him in the eye "You know guys are normally the ones to chat me up, not the other way round." Her voice was coy but with an edge of impatience. "So, you're Elsie's boyfriend?"

Raye kept quiet and Bri laughed again. "Ah, so she's not given a status yet? Some kind of man you are here, drinking alone and then lecturing me about my social circle?"

"Well, you never gave her one." Raye replied back coldly. Bri's unstretched arm reaching for a glass she just ordered, froze. Was it just him, Raye thought, or had the chatter in the background died down?

"She told you." She stared ahead, her voice flat and quiet for a change. "How much do you know about us?"

"Enough." Raye placed a few dollar notes on the counter and without waiting for his change, left.

11.53

2009-03-16T23:03:00.000-07:00

Dear Raye,
Hey Elsie,
It's been a while since we've talked.
It's been ages, how are you?
I hope you're fine.
I'm doing well, although life's passing rather slowly..
I'm pretty stressed out lately, my thesis is due and the end of term is drawing near.
Have fun with your final year of college, no i really dont just mean it in a sarcastic way.
I need to go out and enjoy life!
You should enjoy your last year of school life; the world outside's really different.
How's your job now? I know it's not your ideal career but your opportunity will come, dont worry. At least you are not stuck in school.
Out here, it's a tough society where I have to be all smiles to my superiors and clients regardless of how damn tired I really am. At least in school, I can be myself.
Still, work should be tiring, remember to rest well..
Talking bout school, knowing you, you should be stressed out again. Don't add unnecessary worry to yourself.
Oh gosh, it's getting late. I really had so much to tell you but sleep is calling me.
I've got to end here. So sorry Elsie, this letter was meant to be longer but if I continue on I wont be able to get my article done by tonight.
Good night for now then.
Guess I'll see you around? Take care.
Love, Elsie.
Raye.

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The wedding

2009-02-13T21:06:00.000-08:00

The wedding was about to start really soon, in a quarter of an hour. The bride was nervously checking her reflection in her mirror. Elsie stood at the doorway, staring fixedly at the bride's gown, champaign-coloured, ruffled at the sleeves and flowing at the back, emphasising the curves and delicate features of a woman about to be whisked off to the most important event of her life. She would not have been here, if given a choice. Kristelle had been adament on Elsie's presence at her cousin's wedding, saying they needed her expertise on the wedding decorations, despite the fact that the decor of site had already been seemlessly planned beforehand. Rich orange and butter yellow roses in bouquets had been placed atop every table. The passion radiating was glaring, almost hurtful to the eye but one could not deny how gorgeous and glorious the outdoor event was.

Elsie knew, Kris was merely attempting to elevate her mood after what happened. A wedding would act as a source of hope and rejuvenate her spirits. What Kris did not know was the significance of this site. It was not technically where they first knew each other; they were just strangers then, repelled from their own circles, and subsequently hitting each other head on.

Elsie had been waiting for Bri. The chilly winds were biting into her, yet she remained motionless. Ordinary onlookers might have thought she had been frozen stiff in the cold. However, Elsie's mind was swirlling so vigorously her thoughts could have churned those heavy metal wheels and generate enough heat to warm an entire bathhouse. She was going to be severely reprimanded by her boss. Bri had said to meet at seven. Pushing aside her proposal drafts and scattering meaningless lined drawings onto the hideously stained carpet, she had grabbed her faded grey canvas bag and hurriedly made her way to Luvton. The work was to be finalised by the morning, but no matter, she would get them done through the night. Her boss would not dare fire her- no one else would be willing to take up a job with such inhumane working hours and unpleasant office conditions.

Glancing at her watch, the hour hand was inching towards ten and still Bri was nowhere to be found. She let out a sigh, digging her hands deeper into the pockets of her windbreaker and lifting her head, a motion akin to moving a rusted armour. She was realising how dark it was, the blackness swallowing the air greedily. Her heart plummeted as it dawned upon her, too late, that she was never going to arrive. She made her way out of the park, noting that the foilage so fresh and inspiring in the day had put on an eerie mask. It was then that she noticed Raye, of course though at that point she hardly knew his name. He was staring up at a tree with an expression she could not fully place, or in any case, could not clearly make out in the dark. What striked her was this sense of sorrow so overwhelming it broke past her own indifference she set up around her as a fence when it came to dealing with guys. Afraid that he might have sensed her presence, she looked down and quickened her steps.

She was not even sure if he noticed her. Therefore, their 'meeting', or what Elsie would rather think of as a friction did not cause sparks to fly, contrary to romanticised typical fairytales. Their subsequent attraction to each other was gradual, creeping upon them so slowly it was almost suffocating, each drawn like moths to the aura of mystery around each other, and at the same time recognising a hint of something distinctively familiar in the other body.

The wedding had proceeded smoothly with both families of the bride and groom clearly satisfied. Raye was glad for both parties but he was also impatient to leave. His job was almost done. He had already interviewed the groom's parents prior to the wedding and this day was just for him to get some snapshots to enhance the article. An outdoor wedding was rare in this small town. It should be well-received and his editor would be pleased.

Elsie had to drag Kris aside and inform her that they had to take their leave. The air of cheeriness and constant exclaimations of congratulations were bearable initially but now they seemed to be toppling her emotional stability. Scanning through the crowd in search of Kris, her eyes suddenly locked with another pair of dark brown ones.

What are you doing here?

Why can't I?

The two spoken sentences crystallised and hung in the air. A moment of silence ensued as both took in each other's presence. Then, as quickly as it happened, it vanished.

Elsie was hurt. Of course, she had no right to question his rights. She had forgotten her place at that moment.

Raye knew his tone might have caused Elsie to mistake it as defiance yet he had to disguise his own mixed feelings in seeing her here. Reality tugged at Raye as he forced himself to break away and he made his way out of Luvton Park as swiftly as he could, fully aware of her intense gaze on his back, the same one he had felt on that fateful day a long time ago.

2009-02-02T05:56:00.000-08:00

What is your True Fear?
Your Result: Losing Someone

You love affection and the people in your life more than anything. Your greatest fear is that one day someone you care about won't be there anymore. You are a very friendly and inviting person, who draws in a lot of friendships with your kind, considerate, and loyal nature. However, deep down you are slightly insecure and unsure of yourself. You couldn't deal with it if you didn't have one of your loved ones in your life anymore. You don't have too much to worry about though, because with a friend like you, no one will want to lose you either!

2)Being Alone

2)Where Your life is Going

3)Death

4)Looked down on

5)Commitment

6)Disappointment

this is ridiculous im actually doing this kind of thing now lols. my word of the week is ridiculous. isn it nice how it rolls around the tongue and comes out crisp, sharp and impactful =)

tell me, Raye

2009-01-29T05:12:00.000-08:00

Tell me Raye, how can you erase a person in its entirety off the pages of your book, its role replaced or even dismissed. I want to know how you did it. Because even now as i lift my finger, hovering above the 'delete' button, it quivers. At work, in everyone's side profile or backview, I see a bit of you. When I hear the piano, I picture your fingers, thin, long, but precise, skimming across the keys. And even now, I can't stop relating the smell of freshly baked pastries to your comments on my baking abilities, or the lack thereof. Tell me, how exactly can you do it? Because I can't.

The Battlefield

2009-01-27T06:04:00.000-08:00

Attempts to tame the flame
were futile.
water sloshing in buckets
only provoked it
shrieking further
growing to immense height
heat scorching

Daggers
sharpened and hurled straight
woven hastily, from words of blame

tension buzzes aloud
over the noise
like static from the tv screen
the cause for hair along your back
To stand
for behind every spoken word
more were
[Unspoken]

Death celebrates its victory
albeit a quiet one
the silence roars
clangs and bangs
hush! dont awaken the living

From their realms of self delusion
opponents successfully defeated
not much harm is done
As the soil bleeds....

the start.

2009-01-12T08:06:00.000-08:00

this is so not what i had expected of my first day and this is also so not how i blog.

i m infuriated. no, not really. im better now, what's this feeling? it's injustice.
just because im the designer doesn mean im some shit at everyone's beck and call to do a total 360 degrees change to the design for you. after i've slogged my freaking holidays, i repeat, holidays, i dont expect anything much in return but what is returned to me is my own design. And it's not like it wasn accepted; it's just how they want to synchronise the designs. If the designs were to be synchronised then please. I could have been informed earlier. Before i had came up with my own. In the end im supposed to use some existing ____ design that is not me at all but i still have to work on it. i never knew bright red was supposed to go with dark blue.

i really dont know what to say or do except redo it to what they want it to be, trying to calm myself that i will have time to revise for bio by tmr. i will have time to revise for new media theory by thurs. and i will find time to ensure the tutorials and practicals are filed to be handed in. i will because i must.

And it's today that i got so demoralised about my language. so this is how i fare. this is how i fare to be transferred away to the other class. i feel mean but heck. im really upset now.

if i were a boy...

finally i found u

2009-01-05T01:15:00.000-08:00

just spent a freaking an hr or more searching for my fav little white chi calligraphy plate... digging through cupboards thrice, combing my table twice, checking all the nooks and cranies. Deciding just in case some idiot had placed it with the kitchenware, i went into the kitchen and opened the cupboard.

And there it was in a corner, stacked among the other tiny plates that normally contain sauces, disguised as though it belonged.

the start of an end

2008-12-31T04:36:00.000-08:00

oh my gosh..

1 wk plus without any computer access really made me feel uneasy initially. There were so many things i couldn do that required checking online... i lost all my clients lor lols. and prob all my pics stored in the comp since im not sure if the stuff can be recovered. in any case we purchased a new laptop now =) so im typing on this new keyboard and staring at a screen that's far too bright but i have no idea how to adjust the brightness hmm...

on the bright side (literally), i have installed my adobe suite successfully into the comp that has a dvd drive (finally). =) so now, i have illustrator cs3, photoshop cs3, adobe acrobat reader 8, and i can also install dreamweaver, flash and some other programs i've never heard of but i shall just install those that i need =) yays

it's the last day of 2008 manz. this year has been really really long. i cant even recall the start. no actually i can hahaz those sweeter times sighsss. but sec 4 seems sooo long ago..

i cant believe it

strength

2008-12-21T03:43:00.000-08:00

strength, like many other things, is a double edged sword.

acquiring strength allows one to posses the power move forward and to achieve many things.
Physical strength. Mental strength. Emotional strength. who wouldn embrace such positive strength?

However... yes overwhelming strength may cause one to lose control. In such cases, strength is a cunning, slippery snake. You've got to tame it, manipulate it, calculate it, keep a stern eye on it, and the hardest of all would be to trust it..

...

Watched twilight. it's not too bad hahaz.

more designing wk to do for isyf.

2 things i need to do. 1 thing i want to do. 1 thing that's gd to do. cmon girl, strive for these everyday.

christmas is coming... all i want for christmas is... =) haha more christmas wishes!

11 more days

2008-12-04T02:02:00.000-08:00

i seriously dunno y im here. hmm

j2's prom is tmr. which totally doesn concern me anyway lols.

i havent been writing almost any poetry e whole yr. hahaz i guess those were all situational poetry. in hc, pls ah if u have time or e correct mood to write poetry, congratulations, u have a spot beside God in heaven.

i wish 15 dec will never come. please.

unreasonable to grieve

2008-12-01T05:46:00.000-08:00

im was ok really. but e aftermath is.. it's sinking in now. it's really ok. cmon, girl! don't be like this. argh i know. e prob is now im listening to emo songs. right ok. switch.

im staring at e cd baihui, jinting and pearl gave me that's categorised into

1) life is unfair
2) cheer up and fight back
3) sympathy- for strength
4) friendship
5) romantic love (which is e length of 1+2+3+4 lols)

i need to focus on section 3 now. yes. ok CMON GIRL.

(oh ya btw kyna dun be jealous tt im looking at their cd; i look at urs too but i play urs on radio hahaz)

when life offers you a dream so far beyond any of your expectations, it's not reasonable to grieve when it comes to an end.

hmm. my hair feels long again. time to cut.

True

2008-11-27T05:31:00.000-08:00

I won't talk
I won't breathe
I won't move till you finally see
That you belong with me

You might think I don't look
But deep inside the corner of my mind
I'm attatched to you
mmmm

I'm weak, it's true
Cause I'm afraid to know the answer
Do you want me too?
Cause my heart keeps falling faster

[chorus]
I've waited all my life to cross this line
To the only thing that's true
So I will not hide
It's time to try anything to be with you
All my life I've waited
This is true

You don't know what you do
Everytime you walk into the room
I'm afraid to move

I'm weak, it's true
I'm just scared to know the ending
Do you see me too?
Do you even know you met me?

[Chorus]

I know when I go
I'll be on my way to you
The way that's true

[chorus]

this song is really nice =) yays.

star(e)s

2008-11-19T20:00:00.000-08:00

im repeatedly listening to How six songs collide. it's on loop. and has been on loop for an eternity. not everything can run a whole length and bring u back to the beginning. not everything's a cycle. a life cycle is an oxymoron in itself. life is never circular. because we measure life in time, and time is a one-way route.

i feel like taking the whole song of the rainbow connection and replacing all the questions in the song about rainbows with stars.

"why are there so many songs about stars.. and what's on the other side?"

"who said that every dream would be heard and answered when wished on the morning star?"

"what's so amazing that keeps us star-gazing, what do we think we might see?"

humans are obsessed with stars. from young we get brainwashed with the song "twinkle twinkle little star" we wish upon stars; shooting or non-shooting. when we learn to draw various shapes we get preoccupied with perfecting the shape of a star and we search far and wide for the best way to draw a star. 2 overlapping triangles. one continuous line having sharp bends at 4 ends and forming e last pointy end when the start meets the end. or jus one continuous line with 5 pointy ends. (trust me, the last method is the hardest)

what is an alternative name for a celebrity? A star. a star has too often, far too often, been used as a metaphor due to it's shiny, brilliantly bright, far-fetched and unreachable qualities. Humans describe a celebrity as a star. they describe their loved ones as stars and swear to fetch the real star up in the sky, just for them. They admire starfishes because it's the only attainable replacement for a star on land.

after we've conquered the moon, soon we'll move on to stars. Oh! We're having our lunch at The Star cafe? Care to join?

stars eventually just boil down to dust.. so something so brilliant, so bright... everything's just a disguise? you're no big deal. you're just a...

plainoldjanetoldastoryboutamanwhowastooafraidtoflysoneverdidland,
so tell me did you fall for a shooting star? one without a permanent scar?
... and did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there?

stars are illusions. stars. stars. stars... how i wonder what you are. stars stares. up above the world so high... *stares at stars*...

sixteen going on seventeen; going going gone

2008-11-16T04:27:00.000-08:00

=) birthday today is really nice. except there's this nagging voice at e back of my head reminding me that i have an irritating overdue sb review that's still unedited =(

rahh it's hard when you have to take all considerations into account. ur own artistic style/value (or for that matter, the lack of it) doesn really mean anything till recognition is given and recognition is given by ur viewer/ marker/ audience and it's so sad when u have to sacriface some parts of ur wk just to please others' requirements. but i also can't be too stubborn abt my own opinions; afterall the comments by more 'professional' and experienced pple are meant to help improve my wk... haiz.

eh what's this? im supposed to be talking abt happy stuff. ok erm. yup thanx to all those who sent smses or wished me happy birthday via msn or face to face =) yay celia agrees with kyna: Loneliness is the human condition but you've got me in every situation hahaz. so thanx my family, eileen, jiajun, zhiyong (i'll collect ur present soon), jianliang, brenda, jiaying, yuqin, hs, shinyi, weisin, kevin, leslie. jerrold for my cherry blossoms frm japan. pearl, jinting, baihui thanx so much for e cd <3 (much that i recognise e ulterior motive to intro me to dbsk lols) kyna u surprised me w another cd hahaz yay more songs! and also for e organiser thing and that photo i can't believe u still have it lols. steffi for e white bangle watch. =) racht for e tkd voodoo doll! eliz for... erm it says happy beans so erm haha. and u guys came all e way to theuluatedjurong hahaz <3 and many many more friends who have been w me supporting me in one way or another and tolerating my crappy mood swings haha

so can i have this dance?

crap. my review, bio hw and math package are glaring at me...

wear your heart on your sleeve

2008-11-04T23:18:00.000-08:00

with op over and the beginning of 'holidays', it calls for a blog post.

i'd rather prefer school days now lols. i feel really guilty 'enjoying life' or whatever they call it. haiz. i suppose it's time to start doing wk again and revise thru e subjects for nxt yr's tests. much that i want to, i do feel rather lazy at times... lols

haiz drawing painting sleeping eating stoning going to sch and coming back... nth much other than tt lols. quick pple. book me. lols

this is such a random post.

one C one

2008-10-25T06:11:00.000-07:00

it's v common for artists to do self potraits. no matter how fragmented, distorted, disgusting they portray themselves as: Muek's 'Self' made of 4.5 litres of his own blood, VanGogh's ones w his missing ear, Picasso with his cubist style, Chuck Close painted in photorealistic style... and looking at my seniors' coursewks and seeing them taking their own faces, poses, nude or otherwise.

there can be many reasons, i suppose. For one, one is more familiar with one's own face more than anyone else's in most cases. You study yourself daily in the mirror; the question is just how often that happens. And most importantly, your face is the most accessible; you don't have to bargain or pay to be your own model and it is yours to draw or paint any time of the day, anywhere.

I admit i like to use myself as a subject if im doing portraiture, simply because it doesn't matter how it turns out. If im drawing someone else, I'll have to consider how doing a poor job will affect my subject. in other words i have to live up to the expectations of others. much that judgement and criticisms are useful and inevitable, one can't accept them all. it's hard to face up to your own flaws especially if you are measuring them against the hard wk u have put in, or e personal satisfaction u had before. it's hard to face up to this diminishing sense of achievement and concluding that just maybe, you hadnt done such a great job afterall.

i wonder what it is that pple have that allows them to accept. courage...? positivity? open mind? can it really be that easy?

i still haven drawn myself with short hair since i just cut it at e beginning of e yr. i loved my long hair because of the variations i cld obtain w it; and because you did. i cut it for many reasons. i had all along wanted to try something different. i wanted to give myself a radical change. i wanted to see whether how i looked wld change how u looked at me. 过了一会儿发现不仅发丝需要整理，思想，思念和许许多多的心情与心态都需理一理...

i have also realised im not one to open up my choices. i consider them i suppose, but ultimately i seal off all alternative paths. i chose my cca before sch even started. i decided not to burden myself with the choices of h3 or e eventual outcome that i may not even be able to take h3. i took a subject that was h2 and h3 infused at e start of e yr. i like someone and i don't change my impression of the person easily. i cut my hair short and decide not the leave it long any time in e near future. there r many instances. i suppose it's a defense mechanism. if there r more choices, there's confusion, insecurity, and more choices mean greatly possiblities of getting hurt shd i choose e wrong choice. by eliminating all choices till there's only one choice, 1C1, i tell myself there's only one way and if it turns out wrong i convince myself it was because there were no other choices.

choices aren't supposed cause burdens; they're suppose to bring excitment with the unlimitied possibilities, aren't they?

what's on the surface that really matters

2008-10-17T05:49:00.000-07:00

feels really good to have physical injuries... you know exactly where is hurting even though you might not know what's wrong and you can see where it hurts; a bleeding finger, a bruised knee... As compared to emotional injuries you are more assured of your injury.... it's tangible presence, and it's possiblity of healing, regardless of the time needed. Emotional injuries, well they never heal, although i can't be sure since i can't see it, but they never heal, not entirely...

so hit me hard, leave a scar, but don't wrench at my insides, i beg of you...

ouch.

2008-10-11T07:59:00.000-07:00

this hurts so freaking asshole shit much. oh my freaking god. this sucks. i feel so so so crap. what have i done to myself. help. please. i feel like being left alone yet i also... no i don't know what i want. omg. why m i like this? it's my fault. i know it is. it's always me.

mundane...?

2008-10-09T07:51:00.000-07:00

promos over going to get back papers soon. pw is a huge gigantic irritating headache. feel like cursing here bout it lols. haiz.

nvm my aep wk is set up in gallery =) yays will go in morn to check on it...

STARDUST! haiz disc spoil halfway =(

gaining weight like crazy frm sabbs. fatso me. haizzzzz.

but still nice things happen to create a slight glow frm my head.... =) like a fallen star...

one of those things

2008-09-26T07:21:00.000-07:00

everything is so freaking hard. y m i so stubborn lols.

lose what you cannot gain to gain what you cannot lose. be strong, i'll pull through...

it's one of those blinding shooting stars, but blink back those tears and u'll see clearly again. forget bout the star, it's out of reach.

"and i got tired of waiting, wondering if you were ever coming ard
my faith in you was fading..."

a farmer ploughing through...

2008-09-23T01:27:00.001-07:00

i can't believe i used to summarise all my issues for IH (env sustainability, poverty and hunger, gender inequality and public health) into just 7 main points each. ok fine i dao-ed nation states, welfare and err smth else issit globalisation? hahaz but that's coz we alr knew we cld spot 4 topics to focus... GP anything in e world can be tested lols hmm although of coz there r always hot favourites...

so baihui was saying must get out all e old IH notes to read then i was like siannsss still have to survive through mountains of dust and mould to acquire knowledge and then i realise i alr summarised them into (less dusty) cards haha =) yay i love myself.

HAIZ. woman! jiayou... chiong through and u'll be ok =s. i jus have to go through gp, chem and aep and e rest will be a breeze lols math i know a lot depends on my mental state on e day itself and bio is just like i'll die anyway so it doesn't matter =)

chem. 2h 45 min, aep. 3h on same day.... SIANZ. maybe i'll fall asleep dur aep paper.... no! must read e instructions that says 2 choose 1 lolsss. i dun wanna curse loudly halfway through e paper...

i miss paul tan. crap im openly admitting on this world wide web.... =( his lessons r really memorable zzzz. which teacher will dump u into a comp lab, get u to search on e latest stuff (while chatting on gmail) and go on and on bout crap (with embedded useful stuff) and crack horny jokes, curse, bitch, swear in a way in which he's perfectly at ease? i wonder where he got all those confidence and trust..

power of suggestion

2008-09-13T06:40:00.000-07:00

jus talked to eileen after so freaking long.... i realise how much she's moved forward while i can't even find where im standing lols. oh ya and also found out how much i knew bout her class coz more than half r of her classmates r mine too lols. k woman, jiayou... i knew u were meant to achieve great things =)

i seldom talk abt friendship, unlike kyna hahaz. almost every other post she mentions her social circle and almost every month i see my name in her posts hahaz (thanx dear). most that i envy how she's able to express her feelings so openly bout her friends, i wldn be able to do so with mine... i just feel unnatural... hmm. this is so ironic, here i m talking bout my gd friends and saying how i seldom talk abt friendship.

for aep this whole yr i've been circling ard the playing of materials that are normally discarded, plastic items in particular. i've been desperately trying to turn all this trash into something aesthetically pleasing. much that i find satisfaction in doing so, sometimes i just feel like rolling my eyes and chunking them into the place where they belong - the bin. lols.

why do i bother creating something out of nothing when i know it'll never be possible?

recently dur break we were discussing bout how when you r dying u'll sms or call all e pple u know and tell them u love them because u'll never get e chance to do so ever again. and if u have a limited time say u're trapped in a building and a few min later it's gonna collapse u'll have to consider who r e pple really impt to u and that u really love... i guess one will never know how u'll react in such a situation until u r really in such a situation. so i suppose i'll never want to know hahaz. in any case im never one to explicitly express my feelings to anyone. i take the initiative a lot lols but also saying things in a very subtle way ( omg im being ironic again like explicitly saying im subtle o.O but yeah. i think i've made my point. ) it's how i feel if everything's displayed so clearly, then e meaning is lost.

it is the power of suggestion that is truly alluring...

find the operating word

2008-09-06T22:18:00.000-07:00

you know how when you're sick for example having a cold and because your ear, nose throat are all linked together, having a running nose would mean you also can't taste properly?

everything is bland. to me.

i just realised sickness can mean anywhere from a cold, a flu, a fever to a hole in the heart, and that this blandness not only applies to food, but also to life...

yeah. im a self-centered brat.

2008-09-01T04:06:00.001-07:00

Holidays have started in sense, although i don't feel it. lols. my schedule is really packed. it's only the 3rd day of my schedule and i've carried over stuff frm the first day and second day and third day stuff r also incomplete lols i think i was too ambitious while planning lols.

i just realised they're showing stairway to heaven during weekdays at the time just before i normally reach home lols. haiz.

never believe in miracles. they just make u bleed.

cmon girl.

2008-08-24T05:52:00.000-07:00

grades. grades. grades.

in ny my sense of satisfaction was always very high. i slp less than 5 hrs everyday during some times. but always, i knew where i was heading, i knew that even though i was working so freaking hard, eventually, i'll still get something. when i painstakingly finish a report, a project....
because the eventual grade never mattered. when i printed out the document, i have already graded myself. ny life was busy... so so busy.

in hc.. now that's where i understood the meaning of hectic. hectic brings in the connotation of not just busy, but a frantic mad rush, confusing kind of life. that's what hc seems to be. i don't know where im going more than half the time. i ask myself what im doing and never seem to find the answer. i work harder than those ard me but achieve less. much less. everything seems to be abt grades. abt testimonials. abt doing for the sake of doing. i signed up for bio, chem, math, art but half the time i feel like im in greek classes. it seems my goal is to just do well, academically. my As and then my uni....

but a goal shdn be something you have to want. it's something you want to have...

motivation list

2008-08-15T06:39:00.001-07:00

too many things due next week. but it's ok, i will survive. heaven loves to mock at us. i have to survive to endure greater tortures ahead like promos and As...

List of Things to do after promos:

-get myself a cheesecake and eat it too

-swim and swim like crazy

-do something radical to myself

-go kbox and refuse to leave

-watch a movie... no i meant a movie marathon

-shop and get everyone their birthday presents lols

-go out with friends to have nice looonnng chats =)

-for once, choose dare when playing truth or dare lols

-get exposed to new nice songs!

-read! omg! hahaz

-heck care bout pw

-follow through with previous point

-retract previous point and the one before that

-do cip hahaz

-freaking get some exercise lols

-..go overseas? (haiz this wld most prob mean malaysia)

-get a job

-get money

-play with my wardrobe

-paint

-go for concerts. dances. exhibitions. dinners. outings. ANYTHING.

and do all these with you...

apoptosis

2008-08-12T06:27:00.000-07:00

self explanatory.

hello from mars

2008-08-08T21:23:00.000-07:00

we belong to different worlds.

can pple of such diverse backgrounds, culture and beliefs ever co-exist?

the rainbow connection

2008-08-01T19:58:00.000-07:00

Why are there so many songs about rainbows
and what's on the other side?
Rainbows are visions, but only illusions,
and rainbows have nothing to hide.
So we've been told and some choose to believe it.
I know they're wrong, wait and see.
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection.
The lovers, the dreamers and me.

Who said that every wish
would be heard and answered
when wished on the morning star?
Somebody thought of that and someone believed it.
Look what it's done so far.
What's so amazing that keeps us star gazing
and what do we think we might see?
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection.
The lovers, the dreamers and me.

All of us under its spell. We know that it's probably magic.

Have you been half asleep and have you heard voices?
I've heard them calling my name.
Is this the sweet sound that called the young sailors.
The voice might be one and the same.
I've heard it too many times to ignore it.
It's something that I'm supposed to be.
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection.
The lovers, the dreamers and me.

don't say no to abortion

2008-07-24T08:26:00.000-07:00

say never to abortion...
hahaz, or at least for now that's how i feel..

in bio we learn transciption and reverse transcription.
chem we learn forward rxn and backward rxn
math we learn differentiation and integration
teachers teach us a method to work towards smth and then a reverse method to undo it or wk back to the orginal...
it's a pity we cant wk backwards to undo a lousy grade in exams... we can't take back the words we have said or said words in the past we never did...
we can't make a mistake in life and then go back in time again to correct it...
break a promise and then wished you hadn't done so....
take a ruined relationship and reverse it or integrate it back again...

see, all the useless stuff taught in sch... solutions that never serve to adress our real problems in life.

the theory of n and n+1

2008-07-15T09:20:00.000-07:00

i have just been taught that the very basic theory behind sparring is the theory of n and n+1. basically if your opponent attacks you n times u attack back by (n+1) times. that's how you score points over your opponent otherwise there will become no point in a match.

and then i realise, this does not only apply to sparring. u receive and you give more back. how often do you do that? when someone is nice to you, u r elated and u return the favour or even much more. but what do you do when the person turns against you? n times. is it now the time to take revenge (n+1) times?

an eye for an eye (or rather an n for an n) makes the whole world blind but what about an eye (or n) for an eye plus a tooth plus an arm plus oh, why not, the whole body (n+1)? You eradicate the whole problem itself, 斩草除根... or do you?

commit

2008-07-13T05:59:00.000-07:00

when u think about marriage, and attempt to come to a decision, don't try to imagine living a life with someone forever; see if you cant imagine living without the person.

draw something u'll want to bring home and keep...

reconcile

2008-07-05T06:06:00.000-07:00

It's so ironic but when people leave they stay forever because their absence forms a stubborn stain..

i've finished reading salem falls. spent the whole entire day reading.... it's awesome i think i can say it's almost on par with My sister's keeper.. oh wells. k i still have the pilot's wife and mercy to finish reading =p. i think i was being a bit too greedy how m i supposed to do so much reading when my schedules getting so busy again?

i think i'd rather have the block test period back again. hahaz. although lectures and the steady, familiar mechanical pace of life is nice to embrace again.

lots of things have been running through me recently....

The ultimate picture. I didn't know why it affected me so but of coz it wld how m i lying. it felt so ironic. the two pple who have been so crucial in my life acting as if there was no tension whatsoever. i could have laughed. except it wld be bitter.

empty promises fill me up.. it's paradoxical once again

.
.
.
hi this is yuqin frm tkd. u have not been registered for grading this sun...
not registered
grading
u have not been registered
u have not been registered
do you know that rebaca's bro is in hci sjab?
do you know
do you know
do you know
hci sjab
rebaca
rebaca's bro
sorry im busy now i'll get back to you soon
i'll get back to you soon
soon
i'll get back to you soon
Hey girl, happy birthday! :)
Message menu: Delete?
I'm sorry...
sorry

"When I was lying, they hung on every word. And when I told the truth no one listened"

Too late

2008-06-21T07:10:00.000-07:00

-sung to the tune of apologise-
DJ K lyricz remix version yo

by kyna ng *points and shouts 'my friend!'*

I wanna be a mugger
But it is too late now
I'm reading all this shit
But it can't get in somehow
i've only got 3 days left
OMG how how how, but wait
you tell me i should jia you
didn't think i'd turn around and say

Chorus:
That it's too late to study now
...It's too late...
I said it's too late to study now
...It's too late...

I'd swallow carbohydrates, read Sloman
--> this part blend togetherwith next line (aka sing ultra fast)
differentiate if i could
& I'd read it like a mugger needs a cup
But it's nothing cool, yeah yeah

I crammed it with a fire red,
now it's turning blue
& you say no need to worry
Heaven will greet me at school
But I'm afraid

Chorus:
It's too late to study now, it's too late ...
I said It's too late to study now, it's too late ...
I wanna be a mugger
But it is too late now ...

=). it's things like this that remind me im not alone and really cheer me up. thanx dear. =) jiayou everyone. it's too late to be a mugger... but better late than never =) anyway nobody can be a perfect mugger.. and im nobody =p

home is not a place but a feeling

2008-06-01T04:30:00.000-07:00

glad im leaving. i can finally free myself frm so many things and use my absence as an excuse. the chances of me getting lost there is 99% seeing that i only have some pathetic black and white map and zero sense of direction.

but some i'll miss...

quite a bit of things have been ongoing lately. bio. more bio. bus rides to the other side of the island and the reluctant ones back... so much wk to do i'll really have to look at what i can bring there. i hope the body mass that i bring there will come back as a much smaller one while the luggage mass will come back as a much greater one.

need to get used to my retainers. i was hoping the trouble of cleaning it after every meal can deter me away frm food for awhile but apparently that affinity i have for edible things can never be easily waived. i really hope they starve me there. cmon. grant my wish.

oh yes. i must mention that a certain someone is going on this trip as well since it's combined w tpjc. ma'am enqi. i was really surprised but delighted to see u. hope we'll get to catch up a bit during the trip...

my sister has come back frm china. was really happy that she bought the book 向左走，向右走 for me =) smth i had wanted for awhile now... in the end they still met although it's a bit vague in a way...

在这个熟悉又陌生的城市中，无助地寻找一个陌生又熟悉的身影。

bio made me so bored stiff that i actually finished reading where rainbows end within 3 days. which is bad; i was really supposed to be studying.

The rain is falling like snow now
no one told me it could be so beautiful
it's so often we associate
rumbling grey clouds, clocks ticking
and those sad puppy eyes
but girl,
it's raining like it's snowing now
and it's too beautiful to be true
the soft rhythm of the raindrops
in time with your heartbeat
and mine.
Look girl,
it's so faint it's barely there
you've got to seize it
got to feel it there
so beautiful
and your heart will guide you there.
just listen girl,
gently close your eyes
the rain... It's falling like snow now.

et tu brute

2008-05-19T07:01:00.000-07:00

Existance ceased on 19 May 2008

deciding factor

2008-05-18T19:57:00.000-07:00

i went there to get a gold and nothing else...

i only just opened up.. please dun throw salt onto my wound.. it hasn't even healed...

it spreads.

2008-05-14T09:07:00.000-07:00

wonder if i posted this before....

trouble is like ink on a damp paper. It spreads. To stop the spreading, you dry the paper, but ultimately the stain's still there..

if you view a paper as black in the first place then no matter what you do to it... blenching or decolourising etc, it'll won't turn white but still look black to you. so what can i say?

was looking forward to stj... but stj this sun is abit... untimely hahaz. oh wells. nvm i'll see how. =)

aim for the moon coz if u fall u'll still land among the stars... who ever started this lie?

地址的部分只写了‘未来’两个字...

2008-05-03T06:40:00.000-07:00

不知离此处多远...

i just don't want hist to repeat itself again... blame it on my insecureness but i fear for a next time that will never come..

my mum just blatantly asked me if i can stop being so fat. ha. ha. that's nice. thanx for the reminder, shall watch my diet more closely.

I'm for all of these

2008-04-29T08:14:00.000-07:00

"I'm for crushes not acted upon, for admiration from afar
for the delicate and the resilient and the fragile human heart,
may it always heal stronger than it was before.
For walks in the woods and then for the woods themselves,
by which I mean the trees. Definitely for the trees.
Window seats and locally brewed beer,
and love letters written by hand with fountain pens:
I'm for all of these."

this section of a poem is really beautiful... courtesy of baihui's notebk....
no i can't spell it out for you you know it's never gonna be that simple....

fitting in

2008-04-26T00:29:00.000-07:00

gosh the clothes that i cld wear 3 mths ago no longer fit. crap lah.

some things just don't fit in no matter how hard u try...

choices and fate

2008-04-22T07:15:00.000-07:00

shd be rushing my hw and stuff now but ok just make this quick...

went for aep interview on mon after the (potential Z-grade) bio test and waited for one and a half hr for my turn ZZZZ. oh wells. it wasn't too bad i hope at least they didn't ask my ques bout arts scene and artists and censorship in art that they asked my other classmates....

the last part of the interview:

"u take bio rite?"

"yes"

"if there's 1 organism u wld choose to represent u or that u like what would it be? this has smth to do with ur creativity..."

....

-stuns-

"erm... organism? haha mm let's see..."

and i crapped bout how pple tease me bout my name as an organelle and then later he said

"uh huh, so what has that got to do with creativity?"

....

-stuns and stones-

"mm creativity... erm..."

and then all 4 interviewers went: " Ok, yup, thank you! (i.e pls leave the rm)..."

=( oh wells. haha. they didn't ask bout my artwk at all haha.

and and AND. ma'am pauline was working there! hahaz she was the one doing admin wk and calling pple into the interview rm though not for my interview. so after 1 and a half hrs of debating if it's really her and if i shd go talk to her i did. after my interview. so chatted for awhile like 15 min... she's still v nice and friendly and bubbly... asked about sj and hc stuff and then i told her im in tkd which was her cca also haha. oh noes i hope jiah isn't reading this otherwise someone's gonna get jealousss. lols.

ok stuff to do for aep:
-narratives using digital collage
-uob painting prep =s
-ILP!!!!!!!!!!! ZZZzzzz.
-theory essay
-hc arts fest designing

"so how do you think you show a passion for art?"

darkroom

2008-04-19T20:12:00.000-07:00

The darkroom has too many similarities with life.

You enter into the darkness and uncertainty trying to carry out a process of developing a film, but the thing is how do you move forward when you have no clue of your own orientation? As you struggle to make it through, the only thing that guides you is instinct and self assurance. For the chemicals to react to form the image, you have to let in light... to let in light and make things clearer in life... but letting in light at inapproriate times will ruin the photo... there's so much caution to note.... Before the image appears, you place it in the developer and the fixer and there's that point where you have to wait and be patient, some things just take time. You don't know how things will turn out, sometimes you have this gut feeling that it would turn out bad or turn out well, whatever the case, the final picture will only be revealed when you step out of the darkroom, or in other words... when you step out of life...

they say it's hard to make it, in this part of town

2008-04-11T19:16:00.000-07:00

you and i both know tears will bring us nowhere... although im in no position to make that statement when i used to cry so much more than u.

there's so many other things to think about, to wk towards and many other pple to care for.. dun try too hard for something to happen; if it's meant to, it'll happen sooner or later.

haha. and i wonder if all those were my advice to you or an attempt to convince and delude myself as well...

sorry i cldn't go for zonals today =( i really wanted to make it but given my current physical condition hmm i suppose u can say i'll make a pretty gd victim for case scenarios...
jiayou bah.

to all of us..

save me from this place

2008-04-05T02:47:00.000-07:00

haven't been blogging in awhile.

nxt wk i've got math test on mon, aep test on tues, napfa and gp test on wedn, bio test on thurs, chem spa mock 'A' lvl test on fri =) i can do it =) (cannot also must say can lols)

work keeps me going and stops me frm thinking too much.. about other stuff. hmm although can't wait for a nice break. Haven't had fun in quite a while err i mean i have fun in my sch wk but like going out with all my friends haven't gone shopping for ages... and going back to ny... haven't been able to do all those and i think i've been neglecting all my close friends =( nvm at least i still see u guys in sch ocassionally... i feel so juvenile nowadays without intellectual stimulations.. being lame in sch everyday is amusing and creates a light-hearted atmosphere but sometimes it's not enough to satisfy...

my life feels rather empty now and i don't know what's missing. i stay in sch to try and find the answer and slow down my pace in life but sometimes searching in vain can be frustrating.

and everyday we await more surprises.

... although the lack of surprises might be a surprise in itself..

tears on my guitar

2008-03-29T07:54:00.000-07:00

Drew looks at me, I fake a smile so he won't see
That I want and I'm needing everything that we should be
I'll bet she's beautiful, that girl he talks about
And she's got everything that I have to live without
Drew talks to me, I laugh cause it's so damn funny
That I can't even see anyone when he's with me
He says he's so in love, he's finally got it right,
I wonder if he knows he's all I think about at night

[Chorus:]
He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only thing that keeps me wishing on a wishing star
He's the song in the car I keep singing, don't know why I do

Drew walks by me, can he tell that I can't breathe?
And there he goes, so perfectly,
The kind of flawless I wish I could be
She'd better hold him tight, give him all her love
Look in those beautiful eyes and know she's lucky cause

[Repeat Chorus]

So I drive home alone, as I turn out the light
I'll put his picture down and maybe
Get some sleep tonight

He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only one who's got enough of me to break my heart
He's the song in the car I keep singing, don't know why I do
He's the time taken up, but there's never enough
And he's all that I need to fall into..

Drew looks at me, I fake a smile so he won't see

Fly away

2008-03-24T08:16:00.000-07:00

"When will you be home?" she asks
as we watch the planes take off
We both know we have no clear answer to where my dreams may lead
She's watched me as i crawled and stumbled
As a child, she was my world
And now to let me go,
I know she bleeds
and yet she says to me

You can fly so high
Keep your gaze upon the sky
I'll be prayin every step along the way
Even though it breaks my heart to know we'll be so far apart
I love you too much to make you stay
Baby fly away

Autumn leaves fell into spring time
and Silver-painted hair
Daddy called one evening saying
"We need you. Please come back"
When I saw her laying in her bed
Fragile as a child
Pale just like an angel taking flight
I held her as I cried

You can fly so high
Keep your gaze upon the sky
I'll be prayin every step along the way
Even though it breaks my heart to know we'll be so far apart
I love you too much to make you stay
Baby fly away
ohh...
I love you too much to make you stay
Baby fly away

-Corrinne May

clearly murky

2008-03-22T05:04:00.000-07:00

"it's these lies that made others see through your heart..."

a life of drama

2008-03-10T01:08:00.000-07:00

im going to move forward. nothing's going to keep me behind. jiayou!

...

i wonder if everything u did was deliberate. hmm ok. one day i will gather the courage and delete everything away permanently... for now.. im not trying to prolong something impossible but im just keeping things intact securing the only tangible remains of memories...

i keep saying im afraid but it's probably an excuse. i just don't want to go through the whole tiring process again. ok schoolwork =) it's not that im hardworking... eh maybe i m haha...but it's the only thing that can make me forget everything and at least give me a slight sense of satisfaction that i can never have in other areas...

can't wait to start on my nxt ilp and hoping hoping hoping that the US trip will be sponsored =) ...

so many things to deal with... im thankful there are pple to help me get through things...

i can stand. without you. maybe you were my pillar but now i've seen i have a whole ground and walls... perhaps the pillar was just auxilliary. to feel accepted instead of the severe lack of security...

arghhhh. what's wrong with me, nonsensical rubbish above... went for huangcheng! haha really gd acting and i didn't even realise the plays were so long till it ended at 10.30 ++ and i reached home at like 12 =s... hmm oh yeah! my heels almost killed me... but i still survived =) haha i shall not do that too often or risk the wrath of all the not-so-tall guys in my class =) lols.

ok i will look forward to every wedn... can't wait to see u guys and catch up and steffi my chi is deproving =(

26 degrees celsius

2008-03-04T07:45:00.000-08:00

or that's what i think the temperature is in the day nowadays =( freaking cold and it doesn't even rain properly. hope the ares pullover comes soon.

talked to ma'am just now =) cheered me up quite a bit. haven't seen or heard frm her for like... erm half a yr? everytime she comes back to hc i seem to miss her... oh wells. maybe i just didn't recognise her. ma'am celestine thank you and yes i will enjoy my college yrs gd luck for fri!!! miss you haha =)

maybe it doesn't matter if you don't care. maybe there are others who do. maybe...

in any case holidays are coming. will make full use of it... kyna!! i need intellectual dosages... im overdue for all my medications... ok a lot of reading to do also... i wanna read where rainbows end... and eclipse... and watch ps i love you and watch leap yrs... oh wells...

it's like that isn't it? we never seem to get what we want in life... the retribution of mankind...

leap of faith

2008-02-29T05:31:00.000-08:00

It's 29 feb.

supposed to be a special day, once in every four years... yet i think the only special feeling i get is how unspecial the day is.. hmm. in any case, i always think too much.

yes. It's 29 feb and i have been waiting, am waiting and will be waiting..

patience is a virtue.

If love is a book

2008-02-19T05:53:00.000-08:00

If love is a book...

borrowed
in those hands
the book
not rightfully owned

If love is a book...

renewed
fruitless aim to prolong
a past
Passed. Expired.

If love is a book...

returned
savoured or rejected
no quite how
it used to be.

If love is a book...

for reference only
you've skimmed through all the pages
long to bring it home
on the shelf it sadly stays

[I am only a book
handle me with care]

The Lakehouse

2008-02-15T23:43:00.000-08:00

I think you forgot to mention your husband.

ah yes.. I love my husband.. he's a doctor too...

My wife and I, we have 8 kids, and none of them look like me... It's worrying Kate..

ok.. i was just joking..

I'm single.

Me too.

Man, I love this movie! ahhh. nice songs too. =)

i always seem to post on valentine's day

2008-02-14T05:57:00.000-08:00

hc's vday seems much more... eventful than ny's. in ny yeah u still see a lot of pple giving stuff and receiving gifts and but in hc it's like... the moment i stepped into the canteen i saw flowers and into the rw it was bursting w helium balloons. basically the whole day was pretty pink and red...hmm. is it the age or the presence of the opp sex? maybe both....

poor blog. it's so abandoned. thus posting on vday is v appropriate...

afraid of entering the river. u never know when there's an undercurrent.
yet on land, longing for the flow of the water embracing my skin...
keeping dry is safer but no one knows what the future holds... and staying on land u miss the opportunity to find out..
perhaps stayed underwater for too long; i've forgotten how to breathe.

t(h)rust me

2008-02-05T05:42:00.000-08:00

how do one decide when or not to trust someone? at what point, when what invisible barrier is crossed do you let your soul pour out? such a dangerous act, we don't even realise till someone betrays your trust.

i don't understand the idea of reciprocating. does it even exist? should one expect it? the thing about expectations is that when you hope for something and in the end the hope falls through the hurt and the pain's greater.... should reciprocating exist? in sort of a negative way, people refer to it as an eye for an eye... but there's also reciprocating acts of kindness, or love, or trust. yeah sure, it's often said in tv serial dramas, just because you love someone doesn't mean the person must love you too. it's so so sad. =( i so pity Jacob in the twilight series ok. was crazy over edward cullen for a while too but i think know im standing on Jacob's side. at least until I finish eclipse...

expectations. im reminded of the equation again. happiness = reality/expectations. H = R/E. so when you have no expectations or E = 0, the whole equation becomes undefined and happiness can't exist. bit if expectations r too high happiness will just be a very small fraction edging close to 0...

I never betrayed you. If you want to think that way then so be it but the mere idea of you choosing to believe others instead... i don't know. it makes me wonder if all along i've been creating everything myself and everything was unreal. nothing ever happened.

et tu brute?

once broken considered sold

2008-01-27T03:52:00.000-08:00

a phrase too overused. hmm.

lessons are hard to catch up and bio stuff are hard to remember... wondering what i should work on for my ILP... will it be crazy if i decide on something to do with fashion? about trends, beauty, costs, tradition vs modern... ? mm i think i'll die regardless of theme chosen. need to mug more.

reading tues w morrie...

we had this talk during ct session. it's crap that relationship heals over time. what is time? the antiseptic solution to disinfect. no because you can't undo what a relationship has done to you. the gauze? can time prevent air-bourne infection? no, you'll still be affected with tinges of jealousy as love around you (that does not involve you) hangs in the air.

realised on fri that first aid knowledge can only serve you well if you have the necessary equipment. without all the essential materials whatever knowledge you have cannot be expressed.

when the choice you make is the only one left, will it be right?

once broken considered sold.
a broken heart sold to the one who destroyed it..

just stock up on the first aid kit.

so simple it's confusing

2008-01-06T02:06:00.000-08:00

jc life has sort of started. sort of. not really. just the orientation which really isn't representative of real jc life yet.

u know sometimes you make a decision not exactly based on rational reasoning but more of like choosing a path that's laid before you and walking it is just a follow through? not that you regret the decision but at some point u'll look back and wonder why you did it and then the devil starts talking and you start to question urself whether you really did the right thing... It's how you start to become unsure and insecure and suddenly the path you chose seems narrower, darker and thicker with trees...

i've tried so long and worked hard (i hope) at trying to make things work but somehow nothing comes out right. i don't know where the problem lies and i seem to be constantly receiving a message from you that just says leave me alone. i've forgotten what this feeling was. now i realise, im tired. hurt and upset yes. but ultimately im exhausted. you win. i give up.

even though you found the key, the person's not there...

An exploration

2007-12-22T07:37:00.000-08:00

The future is freezing
wading in past memories
is warmer
Much warmer immersing
reluctantly
reaching the banks
where memories
evaporate.
Not a drop left
as I freeze
in the cold
The silence
towers over me
like a large bear,
threatening.

art interview is set!!!!! im v v scared.... :s... rahhh. y did i even put myself in this???

where's the key?

2007-11-26T01:36:00.000-08:00

shit. how can cinderella go to the ball when evil stepmother has locked her in the attic before she leaves with cruel step sisters? no magnificient castle. no prince. no dancing. no glass slippers. not even a damn curfew at twelve coz there's no need for one.

sorry can't talk to you now. pls try again later. beep.

fairy godmother's on leave or so she says while going clubbing with other princesses and researching on the biological make-up of fairies. right.

heck, the door still can't open.

-rattles-

...

deafening silence

2007-11-19T05:13:00.000-08:00

im sorry for neglecting you. sometimes, things just get left behind. broken pieces need to be moved; it's those whole ones that are safe to be left behind. So don't be upset to be left behind, be glad to be whole.

yeah. sounds like smth edward will say to bella? hmm.

lots of nice quotes from new moon. =) it's better than twilight although twilight is really gd in a gushy way haha.

these r 2 of my fav quotes:

I was like a lost moon – my planet destroyed in some cataclysmic, disaster-movie scenario of desolation – that continued, nevertheless, to circle in a tight little orbit around the empty space left behind, ignoring the laws of gravity.

Before you, my life was like a mooonless night. Very dark, but there were stars – points of light and reason…And then you shot across my sky like a meteor. Suddenly everything was on fire; there was brilliancy, there was beauty. When you were gone, when the meteor had fallen over the horizon, everything went black. Nothing had changed, but my eyes were blinded by the light. I couldn’t see the stars anymore. And there was no more reason for anything.

yay. nice rite? =) ks and this is smth else. hope it makes sense...

No relationship is perfect. In a relationship riddled with holes, if love remains solid and unwavering, the relationship is maintained. Only when love melts under the intensity of hatred and jealousy, does it seep through those holes.\

ok. that's bout it for quotes and musings...

Looking forward to a future that seems like a spluttering and faltering engine, a future that might cease to exist...

中

2007-10-29T18:52:00.000-07:00

44-44-97279676

好不容易
打了一通长途电话
却中断了。
口中的话
被你日历上
密密麻麻的字迹
组成的一竖
划成两半
形成你我的界线

这座山高不可攀。
海，深不可测。
中间的距离
被沉默又拉长了
穿过宇宙里的星星。。。

when absence is present

2007-10-10T06:38:00.000-07:00

hello blog. im back! exams officially ended today.

so many things have happened over e months. hmm. rushing of art exam paper. rushing of coursewk. rushing of exam rev... hmm but i don't regret. i enjoyed e exams really. stressful though they can be. but it's still my last exams before we leave ny... hmm and other personal stuff.

so many things left unspoken.

anyway. today was my first time go kbox. =) whee. nv knew we could have so much fun. e money made me feel e pinch though...

was it deliberate?

im so tired. but it feels great to feel e physical exhuastion. and not e mental draining anymore.

jc life... hmm ks i'll have to look at my results first. for all u know might have to kiss it gdbye.

maybe when the holidays start I'll paint at a rate of 3 paintings per day. it's interesting how we just don't see what's right in front of us.

or maybe it's just self-denial.

Unknown

2007-08-20T08:44:00.000-07:00

Oh my gosh! Really?
She smiled.
That's wonderful!
Her smile widened into a grin.
I know! It's truly amazing.
Her sparkling teeth gleamed.
Yes, yes. Unbelievable really!
Her lips were stretched tight.
Congratulations! Remarkable.
You wonder how far it can go.
Life is just another letter
added to a lie.

u surprise me time and again

2007-08-07T06:47:00.000-07:00

this place is really currently deaded. gosh. coz im pretty busy nowadays. dun think i will be posting much till after eoys which is like end oct. haha sorry pple but this yr is especially impt to me. i really need to get into hc. anyways, im working on my e-portfolio for art and design. it's currently work in progress but u can view it when it's done. =) click on thumbnails to see larger image...

www.boonscafe.com/celia/

a fairytale

2007-07-27T06:03:00.000-07:00

so sorry this place had deaded quite a bit haha. time to revive it now. but i might neglect it again once term 3 draws to an end. eoys v impt! im not gg to let myself screw up again. 100% effort!! then can get A1. nothing less than that.

k in order to compensate the lack of posts for so long:

a fairytale

The gold cover attracts you
take it off the shelf
and skim though its pages
a blur of text
Plot. Themes. Characters
All lumped together.

A prince in shining armour
dashing through the woods
think vines with thorns
malicious crows and cunning foxes
an eagle swops down
carries off a prey

Giants, ogres, dragons
spewing fire
a damsel in distress
awaits in the tower.
so carefully protected
A treasure chest with layers of locks.

Finally the last key.
The last lock.
A soft click and apprehension draws
the top creaks open...
Empty.
secret so securely guarded
not a treasure
but the lack of it.

Top 10 things you'll only know if you're an nco:

1) Being a cadet is much much better than an nco
2) how messy and full of prehistoric stuff the sj rm is :s
3) how high ultimately is ur self discipline coz the only one to ensure that standard is urself
4) the real standard of the corp
5) how responsible u and ur squad can be.
6) the sense of achievment when you and ur squad single-handedly plan e whole sj camp and carry it out successfully =)
7) ur own mistakes when you see then reflected off ur juniors and cadets
8) the imptance of cadet-nco barrier and how to be cruel to maintain it
9) the relief yet weird feeling of passing on ur duties to our nxt successor
10) how you'll really miss sj when you're no longer part of it.

innocence

2007-06-23T07:12:00.000-07:00

lose what you cannot gain to gain what you cannot lose...

when it's time to let go, it's time. a burden lifted off. yet there's this constant nagging voice. is it really safe to let a balloon float into the sky on its own?

dig dig digdigdig [turn]
dig dig digdigdig
dig dig digdigdig
dig dig digdigdig [ push]
dig dig digdigdig
dig dig digdigdig
dig dig digdigdig [lock]
dig dig digdigdig
dig dig digdigdig
dig dig digdigdig [dig]
tap tap tap bang!
dig dig digdigdig
dig dig digdigdig [lift]
dig dig digdigdig
dig dig digdigdig
dig dig digdigdig [ look]
dig dig digdigdig
dig dig digdigdig
dig dig digdigdig [check]
dig dig digdigdig
dig dig digdigdig
tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap taptapbang!

if you don't do something for too long, you start to lose the feeling.
wonder if it's the same for yearning. lots of things yearned but never gotten... confidence. poise. capabilities. perseverence. positions. recognition. relationships. acceptance. love.
maybe if u don't yearn for too long, you can finally start to lose the feeling?

when i was a cadet, i used to think about how to die. during drill, my eyes are on the 2nd floor pillars, or the tip of the coconut tree, or the sj rm windows, or the horizontal ceiling pillars of the basement but my mind would be somewhere else. i used to debate what would be better. black out. collaspe. back arched as body fell...gracefully backwards...and head has to hit first to get it over and done with. high above ground. i thought about the possible places. i place beside where the new rooftop hall is. nobody went there. the small balcony area on the 4th floor at where the toilets are... so many places... or the toilets. is it possible to drown in tears of sorrow? twenty seven names for tears...

weren't chains ashamed of their prisoners?

wake me up when everything ends.

2007-06-09T19:31:00.000-07:00

there are many reasons why a person would ram his head into a wall. let's analyse the following reasons:

1) he is pervertic: hey i've never died before, wonder how that feels? hmm let's try it out!

2) he is suicidal: if i ram my head into the wall, i'll leave this place for a better one. if it doesn't turn out to be a success then never mind; i've had so many failures in life, one more won't make a difference. If not, that'll be the last failure you'll ever have in a lifetime anyway.

3) he is lame: while thinking about why a person would ram his head into a wall, he was so engrossed that he didn't see the wall that was right in his face and he walked smack into it...

4) he is lost: when one's vision is clouded by other desires, you naturally miss out what's right in front of you. and im not only talking about walls...

5) he is pressurised: when the whole world is ramming their heads on walls, hey man what else can you do but follow the crowd and do the same?

6) he is like so whatever: who cares? ram head against wall means ram head against wall!!

i wouldn't mind someone coming up right now and ramming my head against the wall for me. (i think im zi lian enough not to bear doing it myself) i need to have a clear mind now. get ur priorities right!! i really need someone to call me everyday and say, hey i've finished my hw, done all my sketches for coursewk, started on mole concept and done half of bio. oh yeah and i borrowed a bk titled "Global Warming, opposing viewpts" and I've analysed the text and taken down useful facts. and btw, my whole corp's getting their chief comm badge this coming sun. what bout u?

虚伪的一切

2007-06-01T23:21:00.000-07:00

我根本没有资格埋怨你对我说的谎言和落空的承诺，因为连我自己也实现不了对自己的承诺。

a picture speaks a thousand words

2007-05-21T05:45:00.000-07:00

... if you have a good camera to take them.

I would want to take e colourful staircase behind bugis village.

And e bare trees outside our flat.

And the muddy brown colour of the big canal compared to the deep salty green of the rochor canal we pass by on the way to beach road.

And the morning dew.

And a rainbow.

And a piece of empty grassland, with nothing, no condominiums built on it.

And the way the waters in a pool would reflect the early morning sun, creating illusions such that I feel like I'm in the sea and I get scared of sharks...

And a peice of sky a shade of baby blue with my fav marshmallow clouds...

And the swing, empty, with its metal peices sparkling under the sun rays... and your smile

if i have a good camera...

and! i want to watch movies!!! rahh. spiderman 3. shrek 3. pirates of the carribean3. ocean's thirteen. what's with 3 huh? haha bleargh. but doubt i'll get to watch any.

past perfect, present tense

2007-05-13T08:45:00.000-07:00

hmm. i wanted to post how depressed i was on thurs. then on fri i wanted to post how happy i felt i was. and on sat, i felt guilty (coz didn't do any wk)

then i realised today how self centered i am.
.
.
.
the only time i really care about others it's about u and my juniors and some squadmates... sometimes certain classmates. but i had forgotten something else.

now i feel so bad.

i haven't done my part as a loving sister, dutiful daughter and filial grandchild...
...

i promise i'll spend my june hols tutoring my sis and washing the dishes and doing more housework. ahh and learn how to cook more dishes. =) and go swimming. i miss my tan. gosh. tan line has totally faded away lah.

oh. and i cut my hair. not that much to signify a drastic change in my life. but enough.

我们的那片天空

2007-04-29T01:55:00.000-07:00

i've long since forgotten that im a peice cloud making up the entire sky. u gradually realise, clouds can never come together to form the sky because they move when the wind blows. there's no use worrying if the picture is complete; whether or not it is, the sky is still there and live goes on.

so i had decided to just focus on growing a new plant. when the sun is too hot, cover it to shelter the growing plant before it shrivells in the heat. when it becomes too dry, rain and water the new plant, preventing it from withering. and slowly, build up the confidence of the plant and equip it such that one day, it will burst into full bloom. i wonder if the new plant knows...

...and then, that is when im not needed anymore...float away... to another place

to grow another plant.

难以开口

2007-04-20T06:31:00.000-07:00

难以开口，不知从何说起
我把心事写在一张信里头
装进默契那封纯白信封
贴上了一枚无价邮票
寄给脑海中的永久居民
地址的部分只写了“未来”两个字
不知它离此处多远
一天我走在平日熟悉的街道
临近家门，见有人从小信箱取出
一封纯白信封。。。

amazing drop of rain in a drought

2007-04-06T08:01:00.000-07:00

ok. im back again. today i didn't do many constructive things. i will not discourage myself by saying i didn't do any constructive things. does this sound familiarly like mark antony? haha.

went out to take a breather. i felt the weight of my sias and hw on my conscience all the time :( chao bu shuang... then after i came home went to watch tv -.- a cinderella's story: how can i miss it??nvm i will start work now (even though it's like so late...)

still been having weird dreams. i recall them quite vividly just after i wake up but once i don't think through it right after waking i'll forget bout it. :( it's amazing how i can rmb all e figures and everything of an unreal situation. it's like a whole movie i've nv seen before just in my head.

qing ming today. the scary thing about a fire is not the flame which is in fact entrancing. it dances in its own style. the scary thing is the heat. it overwhelms you and whispers into your ear: 'Come any nearer and I'll eat you alive...' similarly for e candle, it is the wax not the flame that burns you.

falling in love with the rain

2007-03-24T08:02:00.000-07:00

why were you so heavy just now then gentle and light and now vigourously heavy again? maybe rains have emotions too...

if not for the fact that it's near midnight now, i'll really be tempted to go downstairs and stand under the rain to let the water wash away everything.

a cinderella story

2007-03-09T08:01:00.000-08:00

i thought about how you would react if u knew about the incident. most prob u'll tell me very straight in the face that it's my mistake because as the designer it is part of my responsibility to ensure things were done according to the requirements. i failed to carry out my responsibility. maybe u would also tell me like how u always used to, that since i've made a mistake, i'll just have to learn from it.

u told me once we all know about such things in theory like that cliche sentence of how everyone makes mistakes. but it's really difficult to let go, move on and make amends in real situations. if a person makes mistakes over and over again, does it mean he or she never learns from the previous one? not necessarily coz they might be different kinds of mistakes.

mistakes can cause severe consequences both in the positive and negative way. on one hand it is possible that they can mould you into a stronger person. on the other hand, it can crush the strength within you. it's so ironic.

it's so sad that most people form impressions of others using the amount of 'wrong' that they do and not by the the 'good' or 'right' things they have done. you might have taken care of 100 sheeps alone for the past 20 years and helped generations and generations more of them. but if one day you forgot to close the door of the pen and all the sheeps went lost, people will always remember you as the shephard who lost all his sheeps due to his carelessness.

cinderella's story ended at 12 midnight and everything went back to how it was before. however that situation of 'before' did not last long because her prince found her. in real life, after a climax maybe things don't return back to it's orginal state because of such cinderella theory - your actions will always have their consequences. of course in fairy tales it's always nice and sweet and sometimes romantic. in real life there's mostly not such plus points.

when a function of x is multiplied by another function of x, you cannot just take the inverse of the function to get back the original equation.

mistakes can never be reversed.

the journey beyond

2007-03-01T07:00:00.000-08:00

怎么隐藏我的悲伤
失去你的地方
你的指导你的教导
我已经跟不上
闭上眼睛还能看见
学姐们的痕迹
St john 因为你们的存在,
变得更加精彩
如果说farewell是苦痛的起点
那在终点之前我愿意再爱一遍
想要对你说的不敢说的爱
会不会有人可以明白
我会发着呆然后想当年
Training camp 的苦日子
想到那时候因为有你们
我们才没想放弃
我会发着呆然后微微笑
接着紧紧闭上眼
又想那一遍你温柔的脸
在我忘记之前
心里的感激
想对你们说
farewell不是终点 ...

dedicated to our ncos.
-original source: 轨迹 by Jay Chou
-edited by: hs and eileen

so let the rain fall

2007-02-24T20:49:00.000-08:00

lots of things to do. but soon everything will be over. too soon?

there are so many things that we don't want to do. but when we're thrust with such a responsibility, it's no longer a choice of whether to do or not, but more of an obligation. And such obligations are most likely not for individual gains or benefits but instead for a larger organisation, for a so called 'better' future, or maybe for a specific other person. Because of such obligations, you urself have to find that inner motivation inside you. To do all that you can to the best of your ability. (or so they say). but it's true that there's no one to help you. no one to lend you a hand. in this society, it's everyone for him or herself. sure, they'll help you, but only if they themselves gain from such a 'kindly gesture'. of course, maybe not everyone is like that. there might be some people around. those we call 'friends'. they stick by you and pull u out of sticky situations. but how many pple are lucky enough to have 'true' friends?

i sound like im writing a stupid cliche composition...

sometimes, i really don't know why i do certain things. maybe i shd stop letting my emotions take control over my actions. but then i won't be me...

there's no more time. really. we need to give all we have before it's lost... why can't they understand us a little? just take it as hong2 wo3 men2 bu4 ke2 yi3 ma1? it's so difficult to change them and make improve. but i've let myself submerge too deep to not go anything about it.

look through me. im glass.

love is in the air

2007-02-13T06:32:00.000-08:00

tomoro is valentine's day...
i have a date!

... ... my date is my maths test. =) romantic rite?

yeah val, im looking forward to my ai4 xin1 zao3 can1 haha. thank you!!
to everyone, cherish your loved ones around you...including yourself. =)
happy valentine's day.

normal

2007-01-30T04:07:00.000-08:00

haven't been blogging for long. the term of 'normal' is something that we often take for granted. like how does one even define normalcy in the first place? what the majority of the people do? like if everyone has short hair then everyone is normal and if you have long hair u are abnormal? then what about if everyone starts killing others? will murder become normal as well?

whatever it is, putting all technical terms aside, yes, i do wish things were back to 'normal' or maybe things will pass quickly so it'll be like normal again.
i know things are everchanging. if you stand in a river, and the water flows at your ankles, the water you feel now at this moment will never be the same in the next instant. if normal can be a point on the graph or a straight line, i rather it be a straight line because it stretches into infinity and you never have to worry about the range. a point however, is definite.

another issue would be a sense of guilt. you can be guilty because you haven't done anything but you can also be guilty because you've done something wrong. if a person falls into a river and you jump in to save him but he dies in the end, is it the same if you didn't save him at all? for both cases, you still feel a sense of guilt anyway. rite?

sometimes, i wish i don't think so much. haha. it feels abnormal.

dying dying dead...

2007-01-17T08:05:00.000-08:00

please refer to the title.

white lies

2007-01-06T04:49:00.000-08:00

'there are two reasons to not tell the truth, -- because lying will get you what you want and because lying will keep someonw from getting hurt.' -my sister's keeper
i really hope the 2nd reason is true.

'why do commercials say they (M&Ms) won't melt in your hands when they always do? Because everyone lies.' - The Tenth Circle

'It (cutting yourself) hurt, though not as much as everything else.'- The Tenth Circle

'Do I really have to risk my life for a chance to live?'- Phantom of the Opera

'You don't love someone because they're perfect, you love them in spite of the fact that they're not' - My Sister's Keeper.

'It's crazy rite? to love someone who's hurt you? It's crazier to think someone who hurts you loves you.' - The Tenth Circle.

just finished reading the tenth circle. everyone thinks there are nine levels of hell. but there's actually the tenth cicle. it's for pple who have committed the worst crime.

one word can make such a difference.

im afraid of losing.

im afraid of losing you.

even one letter.

im really trying hard.

im really crying hard.

i've found another reason why my fav colour is white. i love white.

hospital duty

2006-12-27T06:17:00.000-08:00

i think i shd post about it lah. yes.

the five days spent at changi general hospital,ward 46 (all female) was really enriching on the whole although sometimes we get a bit bored at arnd 11+ coz nothing to do in the middle. so each day's shift is 5 hrs long frm 8.00 to 1.00.

for the first day, we stood at the counter area for like 40 min trying to attract the attention of the nurses there but to no avail coz they r really v busy. finally somehow we got swiped into their duties and the paitients and everything just sorta started. :) They were giving out breakfast so we helped. i fed an old malay patient: bed 22. one thing i learned nurses always call paitients by bed number not by name coz they simply have too many patients coming in and gg out. it took me a while to feed her prob 30 min to 45 min. her hands were so shaky. yet she seemed so determined to finish everything. and i felt the beauty of perseverence...

then in the middle we just went around the ward. there's 6 'rooms' if im not wrong. but all the walls are halfway up so u can see from one end of the ward to the other end. each 'room' has 6 beds. each bed has an attendent call bell. and there's a light above the entrance of each room to show u which room is calling. there's lights outside each of the 3 bathrooms and every individual cubicle as well. v cool. then each bed has curtains! i like e curtains. the way they go around the bed in a rectangular manner. :) we draw e curtains to maintain privacy of the patients. then the bed is somewhat like the one in our sj room. so as i was saying, as we go round we'll see patients waving or calling us. so we'll go over. most of the time it'll be things like help them pour water, lower/elevate bed, cover blanket, why still no lunch, go toilet etc. main jobs like assisting patient to washroom we'll get e commote(sp?) for them to sit them wheel them into a cubicle. but if they can walk then we'll just support them. i got rather irritated when sometimes i asked the nurses something about a patient they ask me to go ask e staff nurse in charge. sigh but i know it's not cause they r inflexible but coz each staff nurse is incharge of specific bed...but still. a bit inconvinient. esp since u dunno which staff nurse to ask.

for lunch i fed bed 22 again. she's getting better. :) towards the end of my first's day's duty, an indian nurse asked me to go over and help me do translating. so she'll tell me what to ask e patient (new patient; bed 17) and then i'll ask in chi and then translate her ans to eng for e nurse. then had to help her change into e hospital pjs. and a male doctor came to look at her. a nurse pushed me into e curtained cubicle to ask me to 'stand by'. i was v shocked at whatever happened inside....shall not elaborate here. soon the day ended. faster than i had expected. our next shift was zone 2 pple.

this is getting so long. im only at 2nd day now. haha.k so 2nd day i was slightly earlier and then we did bedmaking! the nurses will call us 'my dear...go make bed 15 then go bed 20...' :)we'll rip off the old bedsheets and put them into e wheeling trolley then change e bedsheets that might not even fit e bed (they're elastic; so much for envelope folds haha) then change pillowcase and if blanket is dirty change blanket. they're way of folding blanket is different from ours. after this norm have to accompany paitient to bathe and brushteeth. then by 2nd day some sort of know where to get e towels,bedsheets, pillowcase, combs, cups, wheelchairs and commotes. hot water and drinks in pantry. red cups for chi. blue cups for muslim. dispose waste and stuff at sleive (sp?) room. wash hands after each time u attend to a paitient during nedmaking. wear gloves when helping patient use bedpan, change diaper etc. ok, i do not like helping patient use bedpan (bed 16 etc haha a lot lor) or change diaper (bed 29). i admit....today didn't really feed anyone. bed 22 patient is really getting better.

by day 3 my finger was peeling from all the washing of hands. :( anyway. today a bit late. badmaking as usual. then feeding patient. assisting patient to washroom. help patient use bedpan. (by know there is no part of a body that u haven't seen)... attending to their needs... and wash dentures. yes. bed 39 i think or 40 something aske dme if i could help her wash dentures. anyway forgot to mention there's this nurse we met at day one (they rotate shifts everyday) called mariana she's quite nice and steffi thinks she looks like e slimmer and taller version of ma'am siti and she's really a ma'am frm sj zone 2. haha.

the next day was about the same thing. but there was this v v nice nurse whom i like a lot. er name is jasmin, she's an enrolled nurse so unlike the staff nurses she has more time to be bothered with us. think she's an indonesian... hmm. anyways she keeps saying anything we dunno can ask. and she keeps calling us my dears as well. things she taught us:

- taking the blood sugar level of patients
(We tailed her ard and she didn't seem to mind and she started to explain to us) first she'll use this purple thing it's an automatic needle i think so once she presses the thing into e patient's finger it is pricked. then she gets this small machine that has a bit of cotton at the end to absorb the blood. on the small screen u will see a number. that's e blood sugar level. norm level is 4-6 if lesser thatn that is hypoglycemia. higher is hyperglycemia. most of them were all higher and it's really high like 11 and 12 that kind. old pple mostly diabetic...

-shift patient frm wheelchair to bed and vice versa
one hand grasp patient's upperarm area or armpit area to support. another hand to hold the pants to shift e patient's butt ask patient to place left hand on left arm of wheelchair. rmb to lock wheelchair when patient is on it or supporting her weight on it. :)

-bedmaking
we already knew roughly what to do but she was nice enough to show me when she asked me to help her.

-taking out e IV drip needle
take off the plastic securing it. pluck out needle straight out. presses with alchohol swap. stop bleeding. put plaster. :) then dispose e IV drip solution.

-taking hot water for patients
go pantry. :)

last day! a bit sad. sigh although i know it's v tiring and i shd be glad everything's over. no more waking at 5.30 and bothering if e mrt is unusually slow frm jurong all the way to simei. apparently im not e most tired. haha. i found out yh and steffi fall asleep once they reach home everyday. then only wake at dinnertime. haha. whee i only fell asleep on tues! haha
i fed bed 24. she used to be tube feed only so need to add thickener to thicken her oats and milo..so won't choke easily. i tried to talk to her. spoke is chi. no reply. cantonese. no reply. ask yh come overto speak hokkien. no reply. malay. no reply. then when her relatives came. she can speak ENGLISH lah!! -.-'
today i did bedmaking with patient! coz she had soiled through her diaper and pants to the bedsheet. assisting patient to washroom. help patient use bedpan and COLLECT URINE SAMPLE...yh is so yong2 gan3... answer call bell. (by the fifth day, every kind a ring makes u look up to see if its e call bell ringing.) sigh. gonna miss ward 46....

pity i can't be a nurse haha got to go poly to take nursing course. coz it's really quite meaningful a job...

there's always a reason

2006-12-20T05:41:00.000-08:00

whether it is valid or sound, that's a different thing altogether.

there was one time, i was gg home frm my dental appointment and i was taking 174. at the coro busstop, i realised the bus in front of me was 157. before i could press the bell, the it had moved on. i waited for 174 to catch up with 157 again. waited and waited. it seemed that everytime they met up 157 would leave before i could get off. so at kps, i got off. no point chasing and going after something that you can never obtain. i waited at the bus stop for another 157 to come. didn't have to wait long. it was a double decker some more. haha, is this called an omen?

lose what you cannot gain to gain what you cannot lose

yesterday's incident really shocked me. when i saw e double decker 157 i didn't know what i shd do. it was something i had waited so long to happen. so nan de you mei you... i didn't wanted to get on but neither did i want to get off.

what happens when after you have gained you realise you don't even know what you had really wanted to gain in the first place?

but i don't regret getting off and neither do i regret getting on. all i wanted was a bus to bring me home.

how can life go on?

2006-12-15T06:10:00.000-08:00

i don't want to play this guessing game anymore. but i can't give up.

help, will we be stuck in this game forever?

through camp, i realised the most hurtful thing you can do to a trainee is not to hurt and humiliate him or her directly but to do so to those around him or her. it makes him or her feel so miserable... much much more miserable than before...

寻寻觅觅冷冷清清凄凄惨惨戚戚

2006-12-05T07:18:00.000-08:00

haven't blogged for so long...

i don't know how to start this. let's just say i don't know how to end. im learning to let go. :) really. i hope. anyway there's no choice le.

i had such a scary dream the other day.

i know this is v late but to my ncos, u've been wonderful and it's sad to say gdbye... it's sad we have only half a yr left.

i wldn't be who i m now if not for u. u helped me find meaning in living. but im afraid i'll lose it when u're gone..

im still waiting.

camp's coming and im totally unprepared. im behind time in sch wk and everything else. gosh im tired. what kind of hols do u call this?

sorry i didn't to sch today as i said i would. just too tired after the 3 consecutive meetings. drink.. i shd drink more. drink down the everything. :)

250 million yrs later...

kai bu liao kou

2006-11-13T23:23:00.000-08:00

Song lyrics
才離開沒多久就開始
cai li kai mei duo jiu jiu kai shi
擔心今天的妳過的好不好
dan xin jin tian de ni guo de hao bu hao
整個畫面是妳
zheng ge hua mian shi ni
想妳想到睡不著
xiang ni xiang dao shui bu zhao
嘴嘟嘟那可愛的模樣
zui du du na ke ai de mu yang
還有在妳身上香香的味道
hai you zai ni shen shang xiang xiang de wei dao
我的快樂是妳
wo de kuai le shi ni
想妳想的都會笑
xiang ni xiang de dou hui xiao
沒有妳在我有多難熬
mei you ni zai wo you duo nan ao
(沒有妳在我有多難熬多煩惱)
(mei you ni zai wo you duo nan ao duo fan nao)
沒有妳煩我有多煩惱
mei you ni fan wo you duo fan nao
(沒有妳煩我有多煩惱多難熬)
(mei you ni fan wo you duo fan nao duo nan ao)
穿過雲層
chuan guo yun ceng
我試著努力向妳奔跑
wo shi zhe nu li xiang ni ben pao
愛才送到
ai cai song dao
妳卻已在別人懷抱
ni que yi zai bie ren huai bao

就是開不了口
jiu shi kai bu liao kou
讓她知道
rang ta zhi dao
我一定會呵護著妳
wo yi ding hui he hu zhe ni
也逗妳笑
ye dou ni xiao
妳對我有多重要
ni dui wo you duo zhong yao
我後悔沒
wo hou hui mei
讓妳知道
rang ni zhi dao
安靜的聽妳撒嬌
an jing de ting ni sa jiao
看妳睡著一直到老
kan ni shui zhao yi zhi dao lao
就是開不了口
jiu shi kai bu liao kou
讓她知道
rang ta zhi dao
就是那麼簡單幾句
jiu shi na me jian dan ji ju
我辦不到
wo ban bu dao
整顆心懸在半空
zheng ke xin xuan zai ban kong
我只能夠遠遠看著
wo zhi neng gou yuan yuan kan zhe
這些我都做得到
zhe xie wo dou zuo de dao
但那個人已經不是我
dan nei ge ren yi jing bu shi wo