contemplation

the transition had occured so subtly she only realised afterward.



Initially it had been seventy-thirty. thirty on her side. then sixty-fourty and - briefly - to fifty-fifty. All too quickly, the tables had turned and they had flipped sides. It slided to fourty-sixty. Now, finally, she could no longer place a number to the vague haziness: the remains of what had been a treasured relationship. A trust and a bond. An envied sister, a surrogate mother and then, shamefully, a lover. She had tiptoed around the special bond they held, tentative, frightful yet exhilarated. Too soon, the star that had shined so brightly exploded, throwing stardust into the air, a lesser incarnation barely keeping its dull shine.



ashes to ashes, dust to dust.



Slowly, she traced lines on the metal ashtray that she had always hated, running through the dust absentmindedly. Smoking was one vice she had learnt to tolerate but it seemed her tolerance had begun to run dry. Dust had accumulated atop the abandoned ashtray and she realised how laughable her actions were: creating marks by removing. falsifying presence by removing absence.

She looked down at the ashtray and was startled for a moment. She had not been drawing random lines afterall. The deep recesses of her mind had guided her slender index finger to trace out four alphabets, carefuly and deliberately. She stared at the name, unfamiliar yet she felt a certain longing from within her heart. It was the name of the boy she had just met. each letter distinct and separate from the other, formed out of nothingness...

first wk of schhh =)

I never appreciated hc so much till I left. this sounds so cliche. But the truth is, i had never thought i would grow attached to hc; i had only treated hc as 'School', never as 'Home'. 'Home' was always Ny. It was more intimate, it was 亲切。My joy in being back teaching in hc, surrounded by familiarity, proved that those two years were formative after all.

My first day (which i was not paid for) was combined staff meeting. I dressed overly formal because apparently teachers dressed casual for meetings during the holidays. Hc floor is also atrociously unsuited for any form of sharp heels. Despite treading around very carefully, i still almost tripped =( But! i met so many of my college teachers. hallelujah WARMTH. lols. Teachers are such great hypocrites. They behave exactly like students when listening to 6 hr staff meetings, restless and cracking jokes all the time. =) Anyone who thinks teachers are boring should sit into teacher meetings and realise the fun side. After the whole thing, i was drained. And unpaid...

The first official day was also our principal's farewell. so basically i had no lessons. i just had good food, chances to take photographs with the principal and shake his hand etc etc lol. that was monday. Tuesday I took a combined class w ms low for sec 2 with their frighteningly high tech 3D studio max that I have yet to learn. Wedn was staff meeting in which some guy stood up to challenge the new principal till he told him to shut up and sit down or risk being expelled. Thu was my very first independent class with my sec 3s. =) Did small sova exercise in gallery as well as crushed paper exercise. fun fun fun! =) i was the last to lockup since we ended at 6.40. fri was my v screwed up class with sec 2 general art...

raye's account

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.
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There was something about the girl he had met for just barely two weeks. Raye could not understand why his thoughts frequently linked back to the lean face framed in that dark brown hair that curled at the ends. The closest he could get to a conclusion was that there was a mysterious air suspended around her. She always appeared pensive with her eyes misted but whatever her thoughts were remained unknown. There was one occasion when he caught her laughing, but even then there was a hint of melancholy in her laughter. The woman who had made her laugh had unnaturally flaming red hair, and was unabashedly stunning, although looking several years her senior.
.
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"Hi, Im Raye. major's still undecided."
"Hello", she edges of her lips lifted tentatively, "You can call me Elsie."
"Is that your full first name?"
She had raised her head and met his gaze for the first time. Raye could almost see the thoughts swimming within her irises, whispy threads that weaved in and out of an intangible surface. There was such pureness in her eyes that it spelt easy danger.

"Sure. Isn't yours?"
"Wh- Yeah. Of course. It seems we both have rather short first names." He had given a light laugh.

That was the first time he lied.

shock was the best form of anaesthesia

The day that Bri left would always remain fresh in Elsie's mind. She did not feel hurt. Shock was the best form of anaesthesia. It was the aftermath that hit her hard.

Stop treating me like a goddess. I'm not. Dont believe in me. Dont trust me. I'm not who you think I am.

Just because Santa doesn't exist does not stop kids from believing in him.

Well, you're no longer a kid and im not part of your fantasy.

You know what? Yes, Im no longer a kid. An adult will respond in a logical, rational manner. Just leave, Bri. Leave my life alone.

And just like that she watched her soul detach from her body.

peter pan

What are your feelings?
happiness. sadness. jealousy?

Tinkerbell

Anger?

Hook.

Love? what about love?

Never heard of it.

*
*
*

Let's take a peek at the future.
She's at the nursery, by the window.
The window is closed.

I'll open it!

She cant see you. Cant hear you.
She's forgotten all about you.
And in your place there's someone else....
... a husband.

No!!

*
*
*

no matter what happens, this will be yours, always.

Raye, at the speed that we're going,
we're going to cause a major traffic holdup.
(and the first car, second car, third car honks)
Raye? dont talk to me. im trying to concentrate
ok fine. elsie? elsie! are you falling asleep?
wake up you've got to help me keep a lookout for cars
from the back. (It's always from the back)
(Those things that come when you least expect)
(and stab you)
(hard) Dont you have a rearview
mirror for that?
(-ly noticeable. the Pain.)
How can i look in front and behind at the same time?
(indeed, how can you.)
Just so you know, going slower doesn't help either.

coffee or tea?

Bri still had that air around her, Elsie noted. Elsie muttered something barely audible about neatening herself up and left the living room. She grabbed a change of clothes and went into the bathroom, glancing into the mirror to survey her own unpresentable image. The bathroom door was still open and the mirror reflected the living room, where Bri was still in view.

She had dyed her short, cropped hair to a slightly milder shade of red than it was before. It always used to be a shock to others, like she was balancing a ball of flame atop her head. To Elsie, the colour, although piercing, had a magnetic quality to it. Elsie loved to stare intently at Bri's hair whenever she moved around their kitchen, one of her very few unconquered territories. Bri would be moving around, forgetting where she had left the spatula, or nearly hitting her head against the cupboard door that she she had forgotten to close after taking out the plates, while always cursing vehemently. "I swear I was insane when we agreed I'd do breakfast on weekends!", Bri would say and Elsie would laugh, telling her it was too late for regrets. She often wondered if the flame would spread down all over her body, swallowing her up whole, knowing Bri would only burn to emerge more fiercely brilliant than before.

And here she was moving around again, bending down to shift stacks of rough papers and drawings aside and off the couch so she could sit down. As she sat, she took off her heels and rubbed her soles, placing her feet on the cold floor and ran her hand through her hair, a gesture so familiar it almost ached to watch.

Elsie turned and closed the door and ran the tap, splashing water over her face. Wake up Elsie, you're in the present, now, and nothing else matters.

"Cissy?"

Elsie did not answer. She reached for the toothpaste.

"Do you want coffee? I'm going to make some coffee."

Oh sure you're going to make some coffee. Elsie waited. One, two, thr-

"Cissy? Hey, where's the coffee powder?"

Elsie emerged from the bathroom. "There's no more coffee powder."

"You've finished it again? You really shouldn't drink so m-"

"Which is why I don't drink coffee anymore, Bri, and which in turn explains the lack of coffee powder." Elsie cut in and then glanced at the cupboard door half-opened. "In any case, it was never where you thought it was. It was in the other cupboard, the one on the upper right of the stove. And I drink tea now."

"Oh right." Bri paused for a moment. "But you love coffee, Cissy, I'd never believe you mananged to curb the addiction..."

"Well, in fact, I did. See, after you left, a lot of things changed, if you haven't noticed. I no longer mess up the living room with my drawings- well not that much," as Bri raised her eyebrows and Elsie hurried on: "I now do messy work at the balcony area only."

Bri fell silent, although she appeared on the verge of saying something.

"Also," Elsie added, "I prefer to be called Elsie."