Elsie's resignation
Elsie sat cross-legged at her bed, hating herself for all the hypocrisy she was displaying. It was very dark outside her bedroom window which had been fully thrown open. Cool wind grazed her cheeks as she reviewed recent uneventful events.
Since young, she had found it hard to face up to her mistakes or weaknesses. In high school, she wondered how it was that people could laugh and poke fun about ungraceful examination results. Weren't they ashamed, upset or sore? How could they be so nonchalant over what could make or break their future academic path? Up till her freshman year, there were some who would confess they could never shell a prawn for nuts, never do their own laundry or admit it was the fifth time he was being rejected by the same girl. Elsie was perplexed. Weren't these bits of information normally kept inside to save oneself some pride?
It was really nearing bedtime but the fitness center would be open until midnight. Elsie deliberated and then grabbed her gym bag, rummaging through to check the contents.
When Raye initially got to know her, he commented on her great sense of humour. She did not tell him that mostly it was merely a cover, a facade, preventing others from seeing right through her, to the raw hurt beneath. It was frightening, these conflicting parties within her. She could picture the inner workings of her body. There was an automatic gear of smiles, laughter, boundless agreement and willingness to make concessions. A dial-like object ticking away and keeping stock of the leaky barrel of tears that was itself tearing apart. Life was becoming an insidious mechanic process to supply appropriate feelings on demand with the threat of her mental machineries gradually retarding.
She turned and carefully locked the front door and proceeded down the rickety side staircase, wondering if her footsteps could be heard by the children of the family downstairs, presumably tucked into bed by now. It would be a ten minutes walk to take the plunge.
Her final proposal for her thesis was deemed 'irrelevant to modern society' and 'too obscure a direction of study'. The analysis statements she had made had been striked out in red ink and Elsie had been furious. She was furious not just because her efforts had gone unappreciated but rather because she could find too many parallels of such situations of required conformity in life. There was only one way dictated and deemed correct. Any other routes were considered lesser alternatives. To her coursemates, she had rolled her eyes at the comments, expressing amusement at the absurbness of the issue. To her professor, she had enthusiastically agreed to his views and suggestions, promising a rewrite by the following week. But really, she was crushed and ultimately exhuasted with the pretense that she did not care.
The outdoor pool was deserted as she lowered herself in. Shocked at the cold, she almost tried to get back out before she remembered wet skin would only lead to intense shivering in the night wind. Elsie did laps till she lost count followed by several tries of holding her breath under water, before emerging to stare at the night sky, the specks of stars and listen to the steady noises of crikets. She squinted at a large figure that seemed to be moving towards her. Suddenly, the man switched on his torchlight, shining it directly at her and shouted at her to leave. Elsie groaned as she obediently allowed herself to be chased out of the pool with the centre closing for the day.
Perhaps life was just about resignation.
Since young, she had found it hard to face up to her mistakes or weaknesses. In high school, she wondered how it was that people could laugh and poke fun about ungraceful examination results. Weren't they ashamed, upset or sore? How could they be so nonchalant over what could make or break their future academic path? Up till her freshman year, there were some who would confess they could never shell a prawn for nuts, never do their own laundry or admit it was the fifth time he was being rejected by the same girl. Elsie was perplexed. Weren't these bits of information normally kept inside to save oneself some pride?
It was really nearing bedtime but the fitness center would be open until midnight. Elsie deliberated and then grabbed her gym bag, rummaging through to check the contents.
When Raye initially got to know her, he commented on her great sense of humour. She did not tell him that mostly it was merely a cover, a facade, preventing others from seeing right through her, to the raw hurt beneath. It was frightening, these conflicting parties within her. She could picture the inner workings of her body. There was an automatic gear of smiles, laughter, boundless agreement and willingness to make concessions. A dial-like object ticking away and keeping stock of the leaky barrel of tears that was itself tearing apart. Life was becoming an insidious mechanic process to supply appropriate feelings on demand with the threat of her mental machineries gradually retarding.
She turned and carefully locked the front door and proceeded down the rickety side staircase, wondering if her footsteps could be heard by the children of the family downstairs, presumably tucked into bed by now. It would be a ten minutes walk to take the plunge.
Her final proposal for her thesis was deemed 'irrelevant to modern society' and 'too obscure a direction of study'. The analysis statements she had made had been striked out in red ink and Elsie had been furious. She was furious not just because her efforts had gone unappreciated but rather because she could find too many parallels of such situations of required conformity in life. There was only one way dictated and deemed correct. Any other routes were considered lesser alternatives. To her coursemates, she had rolled her eyes at the comments, expressing amusement at the absurbness of the issue. To her professor, she had enthusiastically agreed to his views and suggestions, promising a rewrite by the following week. But really, she was crushed and ultimately exhuasted with the pretense that she did not care.
The outdoor pool was deserted as she lowered herself in. Shocked at the cold, she almost tried to get back out before she remembered wet skin would only lead to intense shivering in the night wind. Elsie did laps till she lost count followed by several tries of holding her breath under water, before emerging to stare at the night sky, the specks of stars and listen to the steady noises of crikets. She squinted at a large figure that seemed to be moving towards her. Suddenly, the man switched on his torchlight, shining it directly at her and shouted at her to leave. Elsie groaned as she obediently allowed herself to be chased out of the pool with the centre closing for the day.
Perhaps life was just about resignation.
posted by C~~~@ at 1:28 AM
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