995

help.

time to switch a different mode

realised for the past 2 wks since terms started i've been neglecting my studies. a lot... sighs. coz there were all the rehearsals and punishments and cca and comp and their trainings and our taking over. but nvm! now everything is sorta cooled down le. just have to clean up the room and go for 2 more public duties and go for quiz and get the sec 1s to go for 1st aid extra lessons? haha dunno. must ask shinyi bout that one.

our crystals are pathetic. i hate to admit. but they are... sighs oh well.

ok. so now i shd start my rambling. on tues we had rehearsal and this np person approached me to ask if we could take the back of the quadrangle coz they had their official cca. i was amused by how polite she was... on wedn i didn't go coz of dental. thurs, we had cca. got chased off quadrangle by nyfc pple. hehe. then the passing out parade... i like my post. :) will miss the ncos... but of course they'll still be coming back to moniter us..? no wait. oh man this sounds so wierd... ex-ncos. the juniors dun seem to be the least affected by our taking over... hmm dunno lah. unexpected posts and ranks in our squad; at least to me. yup. but overall, i think the ncos...ok ex-ncos...did put serious consideration into choosing their jie1 ban1 ren2... steffi very kindly reminded me bout the time when i collated all the cpb info for my squad and she said and now that's what u're gg to do for the rest of your life. -.-' steffi. it's just one yr. sigh. come to think of it. you spend 2 and a half yrs of ur life as a cadet wanting to be an nco and when u finally beome one, you spend a very very short yr trying to contribute as an nco and wanting to be a cadet instead. issn't it ironic? so all juniors must cherish ur cadet yrs...:)

im now sorta done with my squad ic duties i guess. can push everything to steffi and eileen le! haha. feel a bit not xi2 guan4. jiah must have been like this also. sigh squad ic de4 xin1 sheng1 only squad ic will understand... it was really an experience lor. coz basically anything wrong it's ur gong lao and anything gd is never gd enough. and most of the time when 1 person is trying to herd 15 sheeps ( esp blur ones that are lost) its quite hard. i wouldn't say i gained a greater sense of responsibilty. i'll be honest. most of the time i did what i did for the squad partially out of guilt. but soon it became my love for my squad bah i guess. my squadmates can be so ke ai and neng gan at times... they make me feel inferior. anyway i keep having this sense of obligation like i must do this coz im e squad ic and if wo bu xia di yu shui xia di yu that kind you mei you. and sometimes it's becoz in certain aspects i failed as a squad ic. to discipline u guys. to make you guys bond. to make u guys involved. to make u guys volunteer. to make u guys help one another and most impt to try and ensure everyone feels a part of nysj sec 3 squad 06. sometimes when i feel i've not done all of the above, i really feel i've let my squad down lor. so i try to compensate in many ways...hope my squad will not blame me for that.

but luckily i've got zijia. and jiah is always helping me as well. but of course there would be times i would be overwhelmed by our squad's strength. like during camp and stuff. really. and i really wanna tell the whole world hey this is my sec 3 squad you mei you... :) so just thanx squadmates and seniors for making this half of the year a memorable one for me... and we shd all assit steffi and eileen and all our other fellow squadmates. i dunno if u guys have benifitted from such an ic but i've definitely benifitted a lot from this experience.

fri was e parade. i heard + comments so it shd have been quite gd. the cake was yummy! haha. wished i could have had more!! :) waited for comp team to finish thier last training. felt quite i-dunno-what-feeling for them. just thought it would be e last time i would be waiting for them to walk down the spiral staircase. :)

sat was the public duty. rather tiring. ma'am wanling was our ic... actually was supposed to be ma'am xuanting but i dunno why she abandoned us. i had this feeling ny is sorta ostracised frm the rest of zone 5 coz each corp in zone 5 seemed to have a ma'am who was either frm that corp itself or who like that corp... ny was like haha. abandoned?

sun was comp. i wish i could have stayed and hugged them. sigh. comp team, im so sorry.

roses are red

i really have quite a lot of things to do and i know i shd be concentrating on more impt stuff. but i seriously think i owe everyone a v long post.

fever's gone. nose is ok le. but e sore throat and cough still doesn't wanna go away. man. one whole wk le. hmm.

on thurs, i experienced this feeling again. during her class it's always like this. idunno how to describe it. maybe fear. but no. smth more than that. fear with respect. with silent respect. its the unspoken kind of discipline. that's what sj needs. seriously, i've nv felt this kind of feeling in sj ever since sec 1 when ma'am shuyan's batch was in charge. i hope our squad can instill this kind of feeling in our juniors. but i know it's not possible. i know my squad. we have our limits. even our own problems are not solved. how can we control our juniors and command thier respect?

in sec 1, it was life full of enthusiasm and anticipation. i had looked forward to this day that is now coming so close...too close. that was the only reason for me to stay. of course, soon i discovered another reason too. and i went all crazy over it. those days... oh man. i feel old.

in sec 2, the crazy feeling was still there. but soon i could feel. it was fading away. and everything. it seemed more of a habit. a chore. a duty. an obligation. muscle memory. that was all that it was. but then lucky for me, i found another peice of wood to cling on, floating aimlessly in my vast ocean of troubles. or so i thought.

sec 2 yr passed too quickly. everything took a great turn. 360 degrees. i was swung around. hard. and smacked against the cruel truth. exposed. naked. vulnerable. i was nothing but a box that could be manipulated by a single button of ur remote control. yet im willing to be controlled by it as long as you don't plug me out of your switch. because once that happens, i'll just be a useless box collecting dust. and soon, layer by layer, i'll vanish before your eyes. but that was what you did... and how many times i cried... all night, just crying myself to sleep. and shouting, beating against the glass walls that enclosed me in this box...

soon. all too soon. everything will be over for them. yet it will be a key to the door of our fears. once unlocked, all will be unleashed. sinking into this dark pool and letting everything swirl around us as we writhe in pain. it will be our starting point. we'll be paying a different game. this time we will no longer be the pawns that others will be moving. we will be the movers of the pawns. and every move we make, will have its consequences, whether good and bad. the more you play the game, the more your opponent will start to hate you. and soon, you will be drowing in the hatred of others. so what else can you do but swallow it down? the more u swallow the deeper the hatred is in you and more hatred is contained in u... somehow, one day, you'll transfer it all to ur next player of the game.