Saturday, October 25, 2008

one C one

it's v common for artists to do self potraits. no matter how fragmented, distorted, disgusting they portray themselves as: Muek's 'Self' made of 4.5 litres of his own blood, VanGogh's ones w his missing ear, Picasso with his cubist style, Chuck Close painted in photorealistic style... and looking at my seniors' coursewks and seeing them taking their own faces, poses, nude or otherwise.

there can be many reasons, i suppose. For one, one is more familiar with one's own face more than anyone else's in most cases. You study yourself daily in the mirror; the question is just how often that happens. And most importantly, your face is the most accessible; you don't have to bargain or pay to be your own model and it is yours to draw or paint any time of the day, anywhere.

I admit i like to use myself as a subject if im doing portraiture, simply because it doesn't matter how it turns out. If im drawing someone else, I'll have to consider how doing a poor job will affect my subject. in other words i have to live up to the expectations of others. much that judgement and criticisms are useful and inevitable, one can't accept them all. it's hard to face up to your own flaws especially if you are measuring them against the hard wk u have put in, or e personal satisfaction u had before. it's hard to face up to this diminishing sense of achievement and concluding that just maybe, you hadnt done such a great job afterall.

i wonder what it is that pple have that allows them to accept. courage...? positivity? open mind? can it really be that easy?

i still haven drawn myself with short hair since i just cut it at e beginning of e yr. i loved my long hair because of the variations i cld obtain w it; and because you did. i cut it for many reasons. i had all along wanted to try something different. i wanted to give myself a radical change. i wanted to see whether how i looked wld change how u looked at me. 过了一会儿发现不仅发丝需要整理,思想,思念和许许多多的心情与心态都需理一理...

i have also realised im not one to open up my choices. i consider them i suppose, but ultimately i seal off all alternative paths. i chose my cca before sch even started. i decided not to burden myself with the choices of h3 or e eventual outcome that i may not even be able to take h3. i took a subject that was h2 and h3 infused at e start of e yr. i like someone and i don't change my impression of the person easily. i cut my hair short and decide not the leave it long any time in e near future. there r many instances. i suppose it's a defense mechanism. if there r more choices, there's confusion, insecurity, and more choices mean greatly possiblities of getting hurt shd i choose e wrong choice. by eliminating all choices till there's only one choice, 1C1, i tell myself there's only one way and if it turns out wrong i convince myself it was because there were no other choices.

choices aren't supposed cause burdens; they're suppose to bring excitment with the unlimitied possibilities, aren't they?

Friday, October 17, 2008

what's on the surface that really matters

feels really good to have physical injuries... you know exactly where is hurting even though you might not know what's wrong and you can see where it hurts; a bleeding finger, a bruised knee... As compared to emotional injuries you are more assured of your injury.... it's tangible presence, and it's possiblity of healing, regardless of the time needed. Emotional injuries, well they never heal, although i can't be sure since i can't see it, but they never heal, not entirely...

so hit me hard, leave a scar, but don't wrench at my insides, i beg of you...

Saturday, October 11, 2008

ouch.

this hurts so freaking asshole shit much. oh my freaking god. this sucks. i feel so so so crap. what have i done to myself. help. please. i feel like being left alone yet i also... no i don't know what i want. omg. why m i like this? it's my fault. i know it is. it's always me.

Thursday, October 09, 2008

mundane...?

promos over going to get back papers soon. pw is a huge gigantic irritating headache. feel like cursing here bout it lols. haiz.

nvm my aep wk is set up in gallery =) yays will go in morn to check on it...

STARDUST! haiz disc spoil halfway =(

gaining weight like crazy frm sabbs. fatso me. haizzzzz.

but still nice things happen to create a slight glow frm my head.... =) like a fallen star...